I wasn't sure whether I was going to publish this blog or not when I wrote it, because I am afraid that it could cause a lot of hurt. However, I write for myself, first and foremost, and writing helps me to organise my thoughts. Having written it, I realised that my blog would feel incomplete if I didn't include this - A blog should include life's positives and negatives.
Being able to trust someone with yourself is a fantastic feeling, and one that I believe is enhanced in kinky relationships. Knowing that I can trust someone to take me to a place where I have lost control of both my body and mind is incredibly special, and I have written before about the way that it is sometimes so powerful that it induces tears.
Trust is built not only through kink play, but also through more mundance, everyday things - including truthfulness and reliability. Since the everyday things are what defines a relationship from a less serious affair, it follows that it is difficult to have a relationship that lacks trust on these basic, everyday levels, regardless of how much trust there is within play. There is also a knock-on effect - trust in everyday life helps to build trust in play, and vice versa. Kink and vanilla are mutually exclusive.
I am stating the obvious here, but broken trust hurts. This week, my trust has been broken. I don't want to go into specifics, but a somestic situation that required attentiuon was ignored, and lies were told in order to cover it up over a fairly lengthy period of time. Consequently, my family were drawn into financial debt, causing them a lot of distress. Money can always be earnt, that isn't the issue here. The problem is the lies, especially when the consequences for my family were already known. And this isn't the first time that such deception has caused problems.
Having my family drawn in hurts, because they are so important to me. I feel personally responsible for their pain because I was the one who was deceived. I have hurt them through my misplaced trust, and I feel incredibly guilty for that. In turn, I have damaged their trust in me.
The fact that the lies were allowed to continue until it got to this point is the most difficult thing to swallow. I trusted someone not to hurt me, and yet I got hurt. It feels a little like I have been taken advantage of, and I have been hugely betrayed. I am now questioning what else is not true. The fact that he had my best interests at heart felt solid and real, and now it feelsd like that solid, real thing has been ripped from under my feet and I don't know what is what anymore. I am now unsure of my interpretation of everything that has happened over the past year - it is like someone has re-written reality without telling me. I had a panic attack when hje tried to stroke my face, because he had suddenly changed from something secure to someone who caused hurt. I now feel unsure of everything, particularly myself and my own judgement, and therefore feel a bit shallow and empty.
In all that I have just said, I have neglected one key variable - I love him. I know that the way in which I am reacting hurts him. I have had issues with trust in the past, and I am now starting to wonder how much of this is my fault. I am full of self doubt all of a sudden. I also worry that he thinks that this will come between him and our mutual friends, and this makes me think that he thinks that I don't care about him. Maybe this is a demonstration of my lack of faith? I know that I am the one with the power to make this all better, all I have to do is learn to trust him again. But I know that it just isn't that easy.
I don't know what to do now. Kink doesn't work without the 'nilla bits. Love without trust isn't enough. This is a huge turning point, and I am struggling to deal with it.
