Loving the Dark Side

I am not a fan of organised religion (now there is a sentence that I never thought I would use to begin a kinky blogpost!). I find it forced and unnatural, and see it ultimately as a way in which those with power can control a population by manipulating their individual morals and beliefs. I do, however, believe that formal ritual can, and should, be used as a means of individual expression. I believe in myself and my ability to shape my own life, and I know that I can draw powerful emotions from things that are often viewed as spiritual. I think that I have already hinted at this slightly in a recent blog about nature and play. During my teens, I spent a lot of time developing some personal rituals. I seem to have stopped doing this now that I am older, but I miss them. They allowed me space and time for relaxation and self evaluation.


Within play, Lilith and I have been slowly incorporating some small rituals. They are all things that I have initiated and that feel natural to me, such as kneeling as my collar is put around my neck or being fed bacon and eggs on a Sunday morning. Like my teenage woodland fires and tree carvings, they relax me and make me feel secure in myself. Furthermore, they also cement the feeling of being owned that has been growing within me. I like my rituals.


Now, I am going to change tack a little here, but bear with me. If you are lucky, this may all make sense by the end. Understanding each other is a hugely important part of play. A scene during which I am put through hell and back is fun, and very hot, but a much simpler scene in which I can feel a subconcious exchange of thoughts and emotions is infinitely better in every way. When play works like this, it feels like a dance with power, where subtle changes in the eyes and well constructed sentences can totally alter the movements and the tone of the scene. Earlier this week, I stormed into Lilith's house in a foul mood after a long day at work. She knew that I needed to release some pent up aggression, and, simply by firmly grabbing my wrist, communicated that it was OK to do so. We wrestled, stopping every so often to stare at each other and try to work out the next move. By looking at me, she could tell that I hadn't let everything out yet and held me down, waiting for me to release some more anger. Very few words were said to each other throughout, but by subtle wording and small changes in body language, we were able to read each other and create an intense power exchange.


To summarise: I like rituals. I like play that engages my mind. I like to understand how my partner works and use this knowledge within play. All of these things enable me to feel a deep connection to both myself and my partner, which makes for a much more intense experience both physically and emotionally.


Thats the preamble over with. Time to get to the point. Last night was midsummer's night. It seemed an appropriate time for a ritualistic scene - one that bought together all of the above parameters to create something rather special. I was to be a virgin, sacrificed to Lilith's inner demon.


I was in little girl mode. Unmarked and pristine, wearing a long white flowing dress, I was led into the woods at sunset. I was happily skipping along, my inner child finding wonder in everything. I was led to a perfect circle of trees within a clearing (the location held a special resonance as it was somewhere that Lilith associated with her childhood). I was allowed to explore my surroundings, letting all of my childhood wonder come out...


Mummy had been looking after me and making me feel very special all night. She showed me a special tree, which she had chalked her symbol onto. It had a thick trunk and was growing level to the ground, so she showed me how good it  was for lying on. Then she said that she needed my help with a ritual, one that would help her to feel better, and that she needed to secure me to the tree so that I didn't fall off. She strapped me down so that I was lying with my belly on the tree trunk and it was really comfortable. Then she told me that she was going to have to go away for a bit while she went to get someone, and I got scared. She started talking to the trees and the sky, saying big long words that I didn't understand but that sounded very pretty. She said something about letting her demon come out and giving it what it wanted, and about giving me to it to 'sate' it (I didn't really get what that bit meant). I liked that she thought that I was important enough to give to someone, but it was still scary because I didn't know them. Then she disappeared suddenly behind me. When she came back, she had a different, scary voice and big scary eyes. I think she had turned into a scary evil man, because he started ripping the flesh off of my back. It really really hurt. He pulled it using sharp nails and teeth, and scratched it with a sharp rock. He said that he wanted my blood, and he showed me his finger with blood dripping down it. That was really scary because I felt like there was lots of blood all over my back. He wiped it on my face as well, and I couldn't stop him. Then, he pulled my skirt right up, and my pretty white dress got covered in blood. He didn't seem to care. He pushed something hard inside me between my legs. It felt good, but I didn't like him there because I knew he wasn't supposed to be there. I think I started crying. He told me that his evil seed had got inside my mummy and now he was going to put it in me as well. Then he took the hard thing out and put it back in my bottom. It really really hurt. I screamed and cried and it felt nasty. He was pushing the thing into me really fast and really hard and he was ripping my back with his nails at the same time. Then, suddenly, he said that he had got what he wanted and he collapsed onto my back. I felt like I had been left on my own, but Mummy came back for me. She hugged me and told me that he had gone now and wasn't coming back, and that she was proud  of me. She took me off of the tree and carried me away to sit in her lap. I felt really happy because I had done it for her, but I am still scared of the bad man and I was shaking for a long time.


I have written in such a childlike manner because that is how it felt at the time. I was able to lose myself totally in the role play of the ritual. Which is how it was presented to me. However, through a subtle piece of subliminal communication, we both knew that it wasn't 100% roleplay - everybody has their inner 'demons', and this was about releasing them. For me, innocence equates with vulnerability, and making myself vulnerable is a very difficult thing for me to do. I was very visibly giving myself to her by conciously making myself so fragile, and, in doing so, was fighting some of my own 'demons'. The ritual itself was about acknowledging some of the 'demons' that Lilith has within her, allowing her to connect with them and start to understand them. By giving myself to her for the ritual, I was able to show her that they are an accepted part of her and that they don't change the way I think of her. We managed to create something that was, on the surface, a bit of fun roleplay, but that allowed us to get in touch with our inner selves and each other. It was not only a wonderful, and very real, power exchange, but also a perfect ritual of self expression for a midsummer's night.

Submission and Dependence

I know that I have been blogging a lot around the theme of submission and ownership recently, but it is something that has, somewhat unexpectedly, been playing on my mind over the past few months.

The feeling of being owned is one that I crave and always have done. I have always distanced myself from responsibility for my own actions. When I was little, I would create imaginary characters who would look after me, discipline me, give me boundaries and make sure that I did the things that were best for me. I have now absorbed those characters into my own psychie, but they are still very much present. They make sure that I am happy, content and moving in the right direction in life, and they correct me when I'm not. If I am feeling down or tired, this ability is hindered and I start to feel lost and unmotivated in the absence of my self-set boundaries. So I do my best to maintain them as much as possible.

It is very rare that I feel able to 'submit' to a person, rather than just 'bottom'. For me, a major component of the submissive feeling that I crave is being able to hand over my own internal 'dominant' to someone else. This is a very dangerous thing to do, since my ability to self-manage in this way defines who I am in many ways. Once someone else has access to this, I become extremely vulnerable.

Even more problematic is the fact that it is just not possible for someone to fulfill the same role as  do myself. They would  need to know what I am doing and how I am feeling 24-7, and to micro-manage it. However, in order to fulfill my needs, I need to alow someone else to take the role of my self-regulator at least some of the time, for some aspects of my life. This means that I stop controlling myself so much, and the boundaries that I need to feel actually slacken. This is a particular problem when I am alone and tired, as this is when I need the boundaries the most. Without them, I feel lost, small, and my self confidence falls. I therefore become very clingy towards the dominant, whom I know is able to re-impose those boundaries. I have to control this clinginess because it is enough to drive anyone nuts, and therefore have a tendancy to isolate myself and become very introverted. This is also a mode of self-preservation - the idea of being that dependent on another to pick me up and reinstate the boundaries that I need is a) not clever and b) really scary.

What I really want is to have someone understand all of the little idiosyncracies within my mind - the ways in which I dominate myself from within, when and how I am strict with myself and how I motivate myself - and use them to form their own set of boundaries which will allow me to develop in a protected environment. Without the aid of telepathy and a person who is capable of doing this yet has no life of their own, this is impossible. I therefore need to find a balance between my own inner dominant and my external one; one that doesn't make me want to go and hibernate when I have had a tiring day. This is a problem that I have been trying to solve for around 5 years now, and it seems that the closer I get to finding what I want from someone else, the further I get from being able to balance that with my need for endless control.

I strongly suspect that this is a relatively uncommon problem, and I know that it is not easily rectified. I also suspect that, for those who don't know me well, this post made very little sense. But I would be very interested to hear from anyone who does empathise, and am very open to suggestions for dealing with this.    

'The Edge'

I'm hanging over 'The Edge', suspended by a climbing rope. My hand is over the carabina - a few last bits of myself holding onto the security of my cave on the hill. I'm getting closer and closer to letting go and allowing someone else to hold the rope secure. I know that they can let the rope slack at will. I'm terrified. But so SO full of want.