Following a recent event at which Lilith and I played, an observer (not formerly known to us) posted a blog on our play. They raised some interesting questions around our style of play, including: How did I, as the submissive, know that I wasn't being abused? How could she, as an observer, know whether it was OK and whether I was enjoying it or not? Is UV appropriate within a public play space? The blog became quite widely read, and both Lilith and I posted our own responses to it. Rarely for such forums, it turned into a well balanced, informative debate. The organisers of the event therefore decided to invite Lilith and I to talk at a public forum on the topic of ultraviolence and public play, and to answer for ourselves some of the questions that were raised in the forum.
The first thing that became obvious to me (and that I have suspected for a while) is that, as a 'hardcore masochist', I am a surprisingly rare breed. I have described the feelings that I get from pain before; the way it spreads across my entire body, rendering me incapable of thinking about anything else, hitting in waves that can sometimes be akin to orgasm. As I explained this, there were a few people nodding along and understanding. But there were far more who seemed not to understand how I could compare pain and pleasure this directly. In fact, it seemed that the level of pain that I had taken was one of the more controversial aspects of the play that was in question. This surprised me.
The exhibitionism side of the play seemed much more widely understood by the crowd. Again, this surprised me. Until that point, I thought that I had encountered far more masochists than exhibitionists. The idea that the maniacal grin could excite me and add to the scene, although clearly not some peoples' 'thing', was accepted without much question.
The topic of abuse got people talking, particularly the question 'how do we, as a collective, define abuse?' It seemed that, having heard Lilith and I speak, people were ready to accept (and even to defend) the fact that, however abusive our play looks, it is actually a very precious part of a loving relationship. We also both pointed out that we both have experience of abusive relationships which, from the outside, probably looked very loving and caring. As an outsider, it is incredibly difficult to tell how a relationship works just by watching play. So what should one do if one suspects that the play that they are witnessing is abusive? The general consensus was that one should leave the players alone but talk to the DMs, who can then make a judgement based upon how well they know the players concerned. On one hand, I agree. I would be incredibly annoyed if someone tried to interrupt my play without good cause and without getting their facts straight first. I also feel that people should be trusted to look out for themselves - everyone has a brain that they are perfectly capable of using. On the other side, I know how easy it is to be manipulated. I wish that someone could have told me just how abusive my ex was when I was with him.
One of the best things about the debate was the support that I felt we had from a wide range of people, regardless of whether or not they felt that 'our kink was their kink' or not. In general, people felt that, if they were to see us playing again, they would feel at ease that we were able to play in a public space, with all of the extra safety nets that that affords should something go wrong. Many said that they would probably leave the room, but others said that they couldn't wait to watch us play later in the evening. Which we did, with great gusto :)
A job well done by the kink community methinks.
