Kinky Wish List 2012

Last time I reviewed my kink desires was back in 2010. And now, having settled into a stable relationship, I am starting to think again about exactly what I want to try from this point forwards. It is interesting to note just how many of the things on my last list have now been 'ticked off', and how much more scope for exploration I still feel that there is in every single one of them. However, the further that I delve into the world of kink, the more opportunity that I find out there. So, here it is - my kinky wishlist for 2012 - built from the foundations of my previous list and the fun that followed its publication. There is, of course, a not-very-subtle tone of suggestion in this post – readers, please get in touch!

1.   A scene in which I can submit alongside Lilith, without her needing to take a dominant role. There are some very specific requirements for this scene. Most notably, I would like to feel that I can do nothing to prevent what is happening to her, whilst being kept masterfully occupied with my own torture/pleasure.

2.   To explore heavy protocol play further. To engage in play that I truly believe is not for my pleasure – I am a mere tool in a game.

3.   Roleplay. So far, this is something that I have only dabbled in. However, it featured very heavily in the fantasies of my youth and I would like to create some fairly in-depth play based around certain characters that have always formed the basis of my ability to self-dominate. Schoolgirl, prisoner, patient, child with a nanny, trainee soldier being beasted, kidnap victim… The list is many and varied. However, I would particularly like to explore the role of Tommy further.

4.   Being a big kid. I would like to explore simply being little. Making dens, building fires, playing games, dressing up. I would like to be able to feel a little less inhibited sometimes.

5.   To incorporate a little more discipline into my play. I enjoy being disciplined – I enjoy the feelings of safety that boundaries give me. However, I first need to find a set of punishments that work! I suspect that this is intrinsically linked to my mindset during play though, and may be linked to #2.

6.   To be a party piece.

7.   To indulge in much more wet and messy play. I have discovered that I have a BIG fetish for this, in all of its most disgusting forms. I would particularly like to explore this in humiliating contexts.

8.   To find out how to cry through humiliation. I desperately crave humiliation, but have very little shame. This is slightly problematic, but I remain faithful that there must be something that will work. I just need to explore some more.

9.   To indulge in more medical play. I do not do anywhere near enough of it.

10. To play outside more often. I am not sure why, but outdoor play is always more intense and reaches a deeper place within me.

11. To get tied up more often. I miss the feeling of rope wrapped tightly around my flesh.

12. To further explore the idea of being a submissive with a cock.

13. To explore all of the small, subtle things that turn me on and the variety of ways in which they can be used. A hand on my throat, a gentle stroke of a hand between my legs whilst wearing lacey knickers, a fist in my hair…

14. To make love to Lilith more often. To explore my deep, carnal urge to be inside of her. To belong totally to her, as her equal as well as her submissive.

 

I think that most of this list can be summarised by one simple desire: I wish to find new ways of letting go and losing myself in play. Ways of convincing my brain to just accept what is happening, without putting up any defensive barriers. To return to my extremely deeply submissive roots. 

Any takers?

The Mysterious Disappearance of The Brat

Approximately this time last year, I was writing a lot about my quest for submission. I wanted to be able to submit naturally to someone, without feeling that I had to be a brat. Much of this desire was based upon a play relationship that I had during my first explorations in kink back in 2009. This relationship was based largely upon protocol and rules. I have never quite been able to work out why this worked so well back then. Why was I so compliant? Why did I have to little desire to push the boundaries in the excessive way that I do now? I was, as many like to call it, the 'uber-sub'. I was well trained, obedient and proud to be that way.

Of late, I have been thinking a lot about those first few months. About how such a simple set of well enforced rules made me feel so submissive. About just how deep a place that form of submission touched. And I have been wanting to go back to my roots and try it again. The problem is, it is very difficult to find someone who is capable of consistently dishing out the regimented, strict routine that I was so lucky to find in those first months.

It was with some trepidation, therefore, that I sent an email to someone with whom I have been playing agreeing to do some protocol based play. However, when I received a reply asking me to bring some high heeled shoes suitable for wearing naked, my curiosity and anticipation won me over.

So, there I was, sat on a busy tube train, attempting as best as I could to follow instructions by masturbating unnoticed, my brain creating all sorts of ideas about what may happen when I stepped through the door to his house. What did happen was all very civilised – a glass of wine and cuddles. After 15 minutes or so, he looked at me and asked me to strip as he watched. Usually, I don’t feel uncomfortable doing this, but I did feel very slightly coy since it was so sudden and so out of context. One minute I was sitting drinking wine, the next I was naked (save for my high heels) and kneeling at his feet.

I remained in this position as he – extremely calmly but with an unquestionable air of authority – explained that he was going to teach me to submit. That everything that I did was going to be for no other reason than because He asked it. And that my enjoyment was going to be found simply through letting go, forgetting about myself and focussing solely on him. I was entitled to expressing only pain, want/desire and pleasure. All of my other thoughts and emotions were to be inconsequential. In order to help me feel this, he placed a play collar around my neck and instructed me that, whilst I was wearing it, I was to keep my eyes downcast at all times. A sudden twist of my nipples acted to demonstrate how I would be reminded of that rule should I forget.

To make his point absolutely clear, he quickly led me upstairs and strapped me over a bench. I was pleasantly taken aback by how well he had restrained me – and how helpless I therefore was to his ministrations. He didn’t go gently on me, but he did masterfully give me moments to catch my breath thus allowing me to take some quite intense pain without feeling too much pleasure from it. This was a demonstration of punishment and the power contained within it, and it very definitely worked. I didn’t have any space left in my overwhelmed brain to contemplate disobedience.

Back downstairs, he ran me through some basic positions: 3 on my knees, 3 standing, 2 squatting (including the ‘slaves kiss’, which turned out to be rather painful) and 3 lying down. Then a further three forms of movement. I was expected to commit them all, along with their names, to memory in a very short space of time. If I got something wrong, even the tiniest detail, then there would be a sudden burst of pain. One of the forms of movement proved particularly difficult for me – mainly because it made me feel ridiculous – and he therefore took great joy in making me repeat it over and over until I got it perfect.

When he was satisfied that I knew all of the positions, he said that I deserved a break. He instructed me to go and get a bottle of wine and a glass jug out of the fridge. Suddenly, I realised that this was the real test. A test of just how deeply I had fallen into the submissive mindframe. I poured him a glass of wine first, before pouring some of the contents of the jug of piss into my glass. Then he stopped me – his glass was fuller than mine. So I topped mine up. And I drank it. The whole thing. I have to admit that this may have been due to the promise that the nipple clamps would be removed once we had finished drinking, but he kept filling me up again until he had finished his wine. I think I ended up drinking three full glasses. But not once did the thought of disobeying cross my mind. I had really embraced the fact that I was doing it for him – it was not my place to think, just to do. And I really did get huge satisfaction from ‘just doing’ – I didn’t need to worry about his reactions, I could let go of my inhibitions.

I was thoroughly rewarded for my good work with a very hard beating and fucking (I have discovered that combining the two is a recipe for instant subspace). But, if I am honest, I didn’t really need the reward. I haven’t felt that submissive feeling for a very long time, and it was incredibly intense, satisfying and special. I think that it is time for me to let go of my brat and just let things happen. Just accept. Let myself get to that happy, uninhibited space without fear. With the right kind of constant, consistent mental stimulation (I think that that is the key), it can happen.

Tommy (And His Manhood)

What with it being a New Year, I have been putting a lot of thought recently into how my kinks have evolved over time, and what kinds of sticky scenarios I hope to find myself in over the next few months. I am sure that I will post the customary list in due course, but for now I want to focus on one very specific one - formerly referred to as 'little one'.

I have decided that my 'little one' is a boy. At least, that is what he wants everyone to think. He behaves like a boy, dresses like a boy, and refers to himself as 'him', but is missing one important part of his anatomy. He is only eight, so he doesn't really find that this bothers him too much. He is called Tommy (bonus points to anyone who can work out why). I have been craving intense humiliation as part of my play for a long time now, and I think that, through roleplay as Tommy, I may finally be able to find it. At this point I think that, as a disclaimer, I should highlight that I am talking about roleplay between consenting adults.

As Tommy, I could use forced feminisation as a form of humiliation. Tommy HATES dresses, especially pink frilly ones, and being made to dress as a girl would mortify him. Particularly the fact that his body would reveal that he is secretly enjoying it. And, of course, someone else discovering how much his body is enjoying it would be even more mortifying because he doesn’t have the anatomy that one would expect of a boy. Tommy would therefore never tell anyone anything about what may happen, and there are all sorts of naughty possibilities…

Recently, Lilith and I created a scene in which my inner little girl discovered her male tendencies. Rather than taking the parental role, Lilith became my older brother who I walked in on whilst he was trying on female underwear. We made it into a very innocent game of dress-up. I helped my brother to become a girl, and he helped me to become a boy. I found this process of transformation hugely exciting.

The thing that surprised me most was my reaction when the time came to give me a cock. We used a realistic looking strap-on, which I wore underneath my shorts. This, plus the way in which my boobs were strapped to my chest, made me fall very deeply into the role of Tommy.

The scene then progressed into something more sexual, and I consequently withdrew from being a young Tommy and reverted to being my submissive self. However, I still really enjoyed the feeling of the strap-on. People often associate strap-ons with dominance, however I found that, whilst playing with Lilith, the opposite was true. I was using it to give her pleasure, whilst at the same time engaging in my gender-bending fantasies. For a long time, I have felt an urge to truly ‘make love’ to her – to be inside her – and this may be the way forward.

Of course, nothing works perfectly the first time, and we did struggle slightly with the power dynamics within the scene. Grown up Tommy would very much like to explore the sexual side of the play more. In fact, I’m not even sure that that is Tommy – I think that may need resolving. Regardless, I would like to be a submissive with a cock sometimes.

However, the most pertinent conclusion that I came to following that scene was that I would like to enter far more deeply into the role of Tommy as a little boy. A boisterous little boy who can go and make dens and dig holes and collect frogspawn and stick insects – who can fully immerse himself into innocent childhood and forget about the adult world before coming home to his Mummy for cuddles and love. But also a little boy with a pretend cock who is horribly abused by his very own ‘wicked Uncle Ernie’ for being such.

Here’s to a gender confused 2012!