D/S and Love: Why I No Longer Wear My Collar

I have recently returned from a magical week in Austria with Lilith. The holiday turned out to be a bit of a turning point in my kink journey (in more ways than one – see forthcoming post entitled ‘was I raped by a hot Austrian masseur’), and indeed in my relationship with Lilith. In short, I am no longer her submissive. I have removed my collar and am a free willed kinkster once again.

This does not mean that we no longer wish to be together – far from it. Rather, it means that we have come to a realisation that we should have come to a long time ago – that Lilith does not really want to be on top, and that I don’t really want her role in my life to be as the dominant. When we fell in love, it was not because of anything kinky (although, admittedly, it was kink that threw us together in the first place). She is, and always has been, my adventure buddy, life companion, security blanket and closest friend first and my dominant second. I want to take care of her as much as she does me, and we are truly both equals in the relationship. We both have our own lives, our own universes, and they have a symbiotic relationship. They are not in competition, and one does not need to dominate the other. Being in such a relationship is somewhat new to me, and anyone who knows Lilith will realise that it isn’t exactly familiar, comfortable territory for her either. But it is infinitely better than any other kink-based relationship that I’ve ever been in. It somehow feels more substantial, more homely, more real.

Of course, we are both still kinky people and our kinky desires have not disappeared. But by finally admitting to each other that we do not fulfill those roles in each others’ lives, we are now able to explore fully without feeling tied to the other by guilt. Through admitting the truth, I feel that a huge burden has been lifted. I had been struggling to force myself into a submissive role when I could see that she didn’t really want to give back as the dominant. Now, I don’t need to. We can go off and play as two submissive girls, both together and separately.

This does somewhat change my answer to the question ‘what are you looking for?’ I truly have come full circle, and am looking for something that I had when I first started exploring six years ago. I want someone/several people with whom I can have regular, no-strings-attached play. I do not want to be forced to submit through pain or force, but rather to choose to submit. I want someone who understands that my submission will always be separate to my loving relationship (although I do understand that, in order to get what I crave, the relationship cannot be completely emotionally detached). I want to be able to go somewhere for a couple of sessions a month where I can totally lose myself in that kind of submission without feeling the need to build the relationship any further than that of friends (or even, dare I say it, of dom/sub). A big ask, perhaps, but I don’t think it is impossible. I have come across several dominants that would like the same thing from a submissive. Sadly, with these people, the timing has never been right.  But there must be more out there. I just need to find them.

So what about my play with Lilith? She is still a sadist, and I still a masochist, and we fit well in that respect. I am hoping for many happy hours spent together in our dungeon in the future, and I have a big list of things that I would still like to do with her. But this will be as, when and if we both feel like it. And it will be nothing more than play that turns us both on. Neither of us will be forced into roles that do not fit. Sexually, I am more turned on by her now than ever before. Now that I know that I am not bound by my submissive role, I somehow feel that I am entitled to wish to ravish her sometimes. I am finding that I am getting the urge to play with her body - to lick, stroke, suck and fuck - more often than ever before. I want her to lay back and enjoy it, and, without the unwritten expectation of dominance from me, I hope that she will be able to. I wish to turn her on sexually in ways that neither of us are familiar with, and for her to enjoy the journey. I also feel more able to initiate, and less rejected when I get turned down due to work/fatigue/generally not being in the mood.

I will still refer to myself as ‘owned’ and as her ‘little girl’. I feel that I am. But I also think of myself as an owner, a mother, and, most importantly, a spouse. As a submissive – and by this I mean a person who wishes to give up control of their body and mind occasionally - I am now free to see what more the big bad world has to offer. So bring it ;)

Self Domination

I often refer to myself as someone who ‘self-dominates’. I think that this is something that most driven, ambitious people must do to some extent, but am unsure as to exactly how such people go about this. I create imaginary characters that act as my dominant in various situations. These change over time, with some coming out more often than others at various stages in my life, but they have always been there. I have three primary inner dominants:

1. Nanny

My nanny was the first character that I created. I think that she has been with me since I was around 4 or 5 years old – around the same time that I started tying myself up. She is a strict Mary Poppins. She looks after my basic needs. She makes sure that I get to bed on time, that I stay in my bed and relax (of course, sometimes she ties me down), that I eat all of my dinner and that I take my medicines. She is also well versed in all medical maladies, to which she usually takes a ‘stop your complaining, you will be fine’ approach.  She believes that there is very little that cannot be cured with a brisk walk in the cold.  She is a very loving character, though she sets very rigid boundaries. Her primary form of punishment is disappointment, though she will occasionally withdraw treats too.

2. The Schoolmaster

The Schoolmaster is responsible for ensuring my continued success at work. He does not have a nice side – like my other inner dominants, he allows Nanny to issue rewards. He is a fan of micro-management and rigid structure, and often sets me tasks (such as ‘finish writing this paragraph’) with time windows as short as 10 minutes.  His favorite threats are to tie me to the desk until I finish, to withdraw internet access, and to make me work longer hours or give me a ‘detention’ if I do not do as well as I should. Sometimes, if he feels that harsher treatment is necessary, he refers me to The Sergeant for punishment.

3. The Sergeant 

The Sergeant takes care of my physical fitness, and is responsible for dishing out harsh punishments: The other characters tend to refer to him for severe offenses. He is a sadist, and loves to dish out a beasting. As he does so, he is constantly shouting encouragement in my ear and reminding me of the fact that he will make me repeat the exercise if I fail to complete it. Of course, this very rarely happens because he knows my limits and how to push them just the right amount. Once I have finished the exercise, he rarely offers any congratulations. He always expects me to finish, regardless of how much it hurts. If I am having a bad day, then he will refer me to Nanny.

There are a couple of other characters that come out every so often, including The Dietician, The Head Doctor and The Housemistress, however they are less well defined and their presence is more fleeting than the other characters. They all, however, help me to manage my life and I couldn’t be without them.

At some points during my life, the people with whom I have been in a relationship with have tried to take on some of the roles of these characters. However, the characters have always remained with me. I would like to integrate them with my submission, but, given how well my internal dominants know me, it is incredibly difficult to externalize them. Instead, the character takes on the voice of the person to whom I am submitting. Lilith, for example, makes a particularly good Schoolmaster and he often takes on her voice.

So, there we go. I have admitted it – I am a fully-grown adult with imaginary friends who regularly discipline me.  I hear voices in my head. But I don’t think there is any need to call the men in white coats just yet (well, there is, but that is for totally different reasons). It is just my way of talking myself through life. A way in which I am able to dominate myself. And a pretty successful one thus far I think.

How Do You Create Submission?

If you were directed here from my twitter feed, where I entitled this post ‘I am no longer a masochist’, I’m afraid I was lying. I am still a masochist, in that I still get these kinds of feelings from pain. However, my cravings for heavy pain/fear/other extreme play have all but disappeared.

They have been replaced by a very strong craving for a very specific feeling – that of submission. Okay, so I have been craving that feeling all along, but I think I have finally put my finger on exactly what I mean by that. I want to be able to lose myself through doing exactly what I am asked without thought. I want to be what some people call a ‘twue sub’. 

I can explain this far more clearly through example. When I first started exploring, I played regularly with a very competent dominant. There was one incident in which I made her a cup of tea with milk that had gone off. She looked at me and, with an incredibly intense tone of calm, she told me that if I expected her to drink it, it was only fair that I should drink it too. She instructed me to go to the kitchen and pour myself a half-pint sized glass of milk. I hate the taste of milk at the best of times, and sour milk is nauseating. But, without even thinking about it, I raised the glass to my lips. She stopped me just before the milk hit my tongue. I was in such a deeply submissive place that my dislike of milk was totally irrelevant. In another incident, I was playing with her and another of her submissive partners. I was desperate for a wee, and she told me that I had to hold it in until we had got dinner. She then sent the other girl and I to pick up a take-away. The girl was incredibly surprised when I didn’t go to the loo in the restaurant. I was really bursting, but the thought hadn’t occurred to me to do that. I had just accepted the instruction. I did not need to think about it, just to take it in and accept it.

As yet, I’m not sure what it is that gets me to that place, but I suspect that there are two key things. Firstly, a calm, gentle yet authoritative approach by the dominant. I don’t think that pain is the key. Of course, pain play can be part of the entire scene, but I am starting to believe that the use of pain and fear as a mechanism by which to make me feel submissive actually has the opposite effect and makes me angry. Secondly, a protocol based approach with incredibly clear instructions that leave very little open to interpretation. Such as ‘go and fetch a half pint glass of water and return to the position that you are currently in.’ Being left to work out what is expected of me when I am in that submissive state risks pulling me straight back out of it. There have been two occasions of late, with two separate people, when I have had a glimpse of the deeply submissive feeling, and both had these things in common.

So what stops the ‘rules’ being broken? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing aside from my desire to be good. To not break the magic. To be the submissive. Of course there still have to be enforced boundaries, such as those laid out in both the gone-off-milk incident and the protocol play I have previously written about. But I don’t want to push these boundaries. I want to embrace them. I no longer wish to resist. It does not lead to the happy place.