Why do I like pain? Do I really like it? What does it mean to be a masochist?
If pain is administered in a scene it hurts. Usually I am very aware of the fact that it hurts, and, truth be told, a little scared of it. However, if it is done in a certain way (and I have yet to work out what that way is), I go into a floaty, sub-spacey daze. At that point, I don't care what else is going on, I find I can 'ride' the pain, and it sends me deeper and deeper into my own floating world. I definitely enjoy that feeling.
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare that pain will get me to that point - in fact, I think it has only happened once or twice. Frankly, usually pain just hurts, plain and simple. I don't enjoy it because its, well, painful. But I do enjoy the fact that I am surrendering to it at the will of someone else, and in that I am able to enjoy the pain itself. I also see it as a bit of a challenge...I like to think that I can take as much as is given. And usually, when it is over, I don't want it to stop. And I can't deny it, this kind of pain turns me on. I don't know why or how it does, because, like I said, it hurts. But it does.
Its not only pain either. I don't actually enjoy the feeling of humiliation, but love being humiliated at the will of someone else. I don't enjoy feeling rejected or unwanted, in fact it makes me feel like crap, yet being pushed away by someone and told to 'fuck off because you are a useless whore' is incredibly sexy. It seems that, for some reason, I actually enjoy things that really aren't enjoyable in the slightest. Maybe its because I like the challenge. Maybe its because I like the fact that I am surrendering to something that I would not normally do. Maybe its a combination of both. Regardless of the reasons, I think that, for me, it is the fact that I enjoy NOT ENJOYING things that makes me a masochist.
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