The Confusing Dynamics of Control (A.K.A My Attempts to be On Top)

This weekend, I have switched between many different facets of my kinky personality. On Friday night, I was a slightly pushy submissive. On Saturday, I was trying to be uber - sub, and I went into a very deep, personal space in which I am a toy who does not move or speak without being asked to first. I then switched into brat mode, playing up and trying to get as much attention as possible, desperate to pick a fight with Doc. I also had a brief moment of wanting to be controlled by someone but not quite giving up my defenses, feeling that I had to maintain control of the situation even though I was essentially taking the role of 'bottom'. On Sunday, I took on a role somewhere between domme and sub - I was acting in a fairly dominant way towards someone under the watchful eye of Doc, who I knew could take control instantly if and when he wanted to. I am very comfortable with the first three scenarios, and am happy to flit between them fairly nonchalantly to a certain extent. The latter two situations are far newer to me - they require me to be in a very unfamiliar top/domme headspace.

Taking the dominant role is something that I have wanted to try for a while. I quite frequently find myself thinking up scenarios that could work, or wanting to say things or look at people in a certain way to make them feel submissive to me. Although neither of the things that happened this weekend saw me being totally in charge, I still felt that I was taking on this new role. At the time, it was fun. It wasn't amazingly mind blowing, but it kept me amused despite a slightly nagging feeling of wishing that I was in the submissive shoes. Weirdly, it was also a completely asexual experience for me. When I am submissive, I get horny. I don't necessarily need sex because pain, humiliation, etc tend to spark a sexual response in me anyway. But as a top, I didn't feel horny in the slightest. I could have got a similar response in myself from completing a logic puzzle.

The aftermath of my attempts at dominance, however, were extremely intense. Since Sunday evening, I have been struck with a really deep sense of self loathing. I have felt angry and frustrated, and have repeatedly lost my temper at the smallest, most insignificant things. I have wanted to cry for no reason, and felt feeble and pathetic. I thought that I was having a funny five minutes, until Doc pointed out that this was EXACTLY how I felt last time I decided to try to top anyone. It seems to be the way that I react to being given control over someone, and I do not like it.

I am now desperately trying to understand this reaction, but I just can't get my head around it. Bunches has suggested to me that I somehow disengage from my sexuality when I top. However, I have never felt any kind of sexual dynamic with anyone without an accompanying feeling of giving up control on my part. So how can I disengage with a sexuality that I never had in the first place? Perhaps I am only able to engage with my sexuality when I am feeling submissive? But then why would that make me so angry and depressed when I take the opposite role?

Right now, I feel that I need to be forced into a very deeply submissive place - so deep that I end up in tears. For some reason, I feel that this will put the world the right way up again. But my mentality is far to fragile to do that today. Catch 22. I guess I just need to wait for this feeling to wear off. I just wish I understood it.

Anticipation

More and more, I am realising that the more I anticipate something, the more mind blowing the final event is. I have experienced this many many times before, but nothing quite to the extent of the anticipation that I am experiencing at the moment. I'm not usually one to blog about an event immediately after it has happened, but this one is eating away at me so much that I feel I need to. 

Last night, I quite innocently posted on Twitter that I was thinking about having my hair cut to just below my shoulders, and asked for advice. I have very long, very thick hair and often get noticed for it. It has been like that for 4 years or so now. Therefore, getting my hair cut is quite a big thing for me. It is a big part of my identity, something that I can't really imagine myself without. It is also something that I connect with my Grandpa - he absolutely loved my hair and used to stroke it whenever I saw him. But I haven't really done much with it for the past 2 years, and it is a big tangled mess. It needs sorting out.

The moment that I posted my Tweet, I received a message saying 'Oh no, what are you thinking, I love your hair!'. Then, very soon after that, another: 'Ooh ooh, it could be so humiliating for you if it was done right'. Yes, it could. That thought played on my mind. We discussed a scenario where I was knelt in the middle of the floor in a public place, told that I looked a mess and threatened with scissors. Slowly, slowly, calmly, small chunks of my hair would be cut. All the time, I would be made to feel like a pathetic, helpless mess. I wouldn't have any control over it at all, it would basically be hacked at. Now, that part of the dicussion was just fine with me, and, quite frankly, made me very horny. But then the discussion turned to the practicalities - which hair salon should I have an appointment booked at for the following day, and what would be my shortest limit. It looks like I may have got myself into doing this for real...

There are two people who are likely to be involved in this. One of them has been texting me every so often with subtle sentences that include the word 'short'. The other keeps making offhand comments about how I would look good with a mohawk. I am getting scared. Neither will confirm if, or when, it will happen. Given that this was a casual conversation, I would not be surprised if it didn't happen. But increasingly, it looks more likely that it will. And I am scared. This is a BIG thing for me. I can't stop thinking about it. But clearly I want it, otherwise I wouldn't have written this...

The whole situation is the ultimate anticipatory mind fuck. It is something that I got myself into. Its something that I am scared of, that will be difficult for me. It is something that I now feel like I can't control (even though I know that I could). I have no idea when it will happen, or how. And I keep receiving very subtle hints, reminding me that it could happen and that how my hair ends up is totally out of my control. I have no idea what will happen now, but it is playing on my mind. Constantly. And that is HOT.

Orwellian Fantasies

This is something that I have been wanting to try for a while, but I really don't see any way of every making it a reality which is very sad. But I am secretly hoping that someone might read this who may have an idea of how to make it happen! I also have never come across anyone else who has similar fantasies, so I would be very interested to hear the opinions of others on this one.

So. I am thinking along the lines of 1984. I live by a set of protocols that I accept without understanding, set by some abstract being that I am aware of but do not know. This being sets a strict routine designed to prevent me from thinking. The system is set up so that I am afraid of thinking because I am afraid of the unknown - I know that I will be taken away and horrible things will happen if I commit Thoughtcrime, but I don't know what they are. I want to recreate the psychological fear of Room 101. I live constantly aware that there is some intangible being watching my every move, but feeling like there must be a way around it, I must be able to secretly find a way to break this strict regime. Eventually I crack, I can't follow the routine any more, I have to allow myself some time for me, some time when I can think about what I am doing. I get away with it for a short period of time, but I know that, now that I have committed Thoughtcrime, I will inevitably end up in Room 101. I just don't know how long I will have to wait. Eventually I am found. This is where the fantasy runs out. I know that, when I get to Room 101, I really want to feel anticipation, fear, and eventually to be broken. But it wouldn't make sense for me to know how that will happen - that would ruin the whole game.

A New Dynamic

I am sure that my posts to date make it fairly clear that I am currently experiencing a bit of fluidity in my style of subbing. By this, I mean that, rather than automatically putting up my bratty defense mechanisms , I am starting to let go a bit and be a lot more 'submissive' rather than 'bottom' in the ways that I play. I think that there are a few reasons for this:

• I am now so comfortable in my primary relationship that I have reached a point that, for me, is very difficult to reach - I am able to completely surrender my own negativities and paranoias when I play with him because I have so much trust in the fact that he is watching out for me and aware of absolutely everything.
• As I play with more people, I am learning to better read what they like in play. I feel quite strongly that it is not only down to the top to make the play enjoyable for the bottom but also vice versa. This is much easier when I know that someone I trust is watching it all unfold.
• Bunches and I, for whom things have been a bit up and down in the past, have found a style of play that really really works for both of us. And I think it has been a bit unexpected for us both. The way that I play with her is a complete juxtaposition to the way in which I have played with anyone else in the recent past. It is this play that I wan't to write about here - I think that the only way to truly demonstrate what I mean by all of this is to write about our play.

I say play, but really there hasn't been much proper play because we have a logistical problem - we have nowhere private to go! All that has happened so far has been more about slowly, gradually, allowing me to find the submissive headspace that matches her cold, calm, collecting domme headspace. We have been feeling each other out a lot. From my side its all about obedience - not wanting to be brat because I know that I don't need to be, I don't need the defence mechanism. From her side, it is maintaining that obedience - simple, calm, collected words whispered in my ear that nip every bratty thought in the bud before it has even left my lips. Coming up with some simple gesture that she can do that will make me know that I have stepped over the boundary, expressing not her disappointment or anger in me (she is actually very calm and smiling) but a cue that I should be disappointed in myself. A gesture that I don't crave to see because I know that I will get what I want without seeing it. But one that still has a cheeky sense of humour! Every time we have met, she has bought a Jaegar bomb (disguisting things) and put it, very deliberately, on the table in front of me. When brat is about to come out, the Jaegar gets tipped down my throat. I know that, if some of it misses my mouth, I can't lick my lips or wipe it off otherwise I'll get even more. This gesture has slowly evolved over time. We recently went out with a group of friends. Sure enough, a glass of Jaegar was put in front of me. Now, she couldn't very well pour it down my throat (though I knew that she would), but I knew that, when I got that look, I was expected to drink it.   

Another example of the evolution of this new dynamic is the fact that I sit on my hands. The first time I did it, it was my way of showing that I was ready to allow this all to happen, that I was prepared to get rid of my defence mechanism. Now, me sitting on my hands is a given. It also allows fun things to happen...I am not going to write about it in huge detail here, but I left a bar extremely humiliated after having my legs spread and having unspeakable things done to me in a public place, unable to prevent them from happening. It was very hot :-) .

This new dynamic ellicits some of the same feelings in me as my normal form of play. It is, after all, a similar kind of power exchange. It is far more subtle, but it amounts to the same thing. Its just that, instead of choosing to allow myself to be 'forced' to let go of control physically, I choose to allow myself to engage in mind games that, in the end, amount to me letting go of control. But it allows me to let go more fully. 

I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable doing this with just anybody because of past events. Definitely no men, with the exception of Doc - and I wouldn't want to play like this with him anyway because I don't think that he would enjoy it and my play with him is out of this world as it is. I think that I would also struggle to do this in public, though I am considering bringing this side of me out for a select gathering of people I trust. Maybe. But it will be very surreal for people to see!

Masochism Part 2

Although on the surface masochism is well accepted in the kink scene (BDSM -  its even in the acronym!) I am beginning more and more to think that, when you dig deeper, this isn't the case. I have written a couple of entries already on this topic, explaining that pain often triggers off a deep response of pleasure in me. When pain is inflicted, a wave comes over me, somewhat similar to an orgasm. It starts at the point where the pain is, but spreads across my whole body, into my brain and I get this kind of silent ringing sensation in my ears as the pleasure becomes more and more intense. However, I have met very few people who get a similar reaction to pain. A lot of people enjoy pain because they enjoy the response that they get from their partner - they enjoy enduring something that is inflicted upon them, or they see it as a challenge. I have come across people who won't play with anyone who reacts to pain in the way that I do because they see it as unhealthy, somehow linked to the emotions illicited by self harm. There seems to be a misconception that those who enjoy pain experience some kind of emotional relief from it and that it is their way of dealing with unresolved issues. This annoys me. Ok, so it may be true of some people. But I struggle to be hurt when I am in a bad mood or feeling emotional about something. I just enjoy pain. Am I right, or is everyone else? Do I, in fact, have some unresolved emotional issues that I can only deal with through masochism? I don't think so, I just wish others could understand that I LIKE PAIN!!!

Sex

A simple title for a simple topic, and one that has been on my mind a lot recently. How does sex mesh with kink in my life?

Everyone I have spoken to about this comes from a different standpoint, but I would say that, for the vast majority, sex and BDSM are linked. Most of these people seem to see their 'kink' activities as part of their sex life in one way or another. This somehow doesn't quite feel compatible with my personal sex life, but I can't work out why. However, much reflection has led me to think that, rather than kink being part of my sex life, sex is a part of my kink. I really REALLY struggle to initiate sex. And questions like 'was that good?' or 'do you want to do this?' I just can't answer. In fact, they make me uncomfortable. I can only really enjoy sex when it is forced upon me and I have no choice in the matter. But why? It does make it rather difficult sometimes...particularly when I want, but there is noone there to provide. Also, sex without some kind of domination or pain is just not sex to me. Its fun, but it doesn't turn me on and doesn't feel right. I think that every kinky person has an 'is this normal?' moment at some point, and this may be mine.