A New Dynamic

I am sure that my posts to date make it fairly clear that I am currently experiencing a bit of fluidity in my style of subbing. By this, I mean that, rather than automatically putting up my bratty defense mechanisms , I am starting to let go a bit and be a lot more 'submissive' rather than 'bottom' in the ways that I play. I think that there are a few reasons for this:

• I am now so comfortable in my primary relationship that I have reached a point that, for me, is very difficult to reach - I am able to completely surrender my own negativities and paranoias when I play with him because I have so much trust in the fact that he is watching out for me and aware of absolutely everything.
• As I play with more people, I am learning to better read what they like in play. I feel quite strongly that it is not only down to the top to make the play enjoyable for the bottom but also vice versa. This is much easier when I know that someone I trust is watching it all unfold.
• Bunches and I, for whom things have been a bit up and down in the past, have found a style of play that really really works for both of us. And I think it has been a bit unexpected for us both. The way that I play with her is a complete juxtaposition to the way in which I have played with anyone else in the recent past. It is this play that I wan't to write about here - I think that the only way to truly demonstrate what I mean by all of this is to write about our play.

I say play, but really there hasn't been much proper play because we have a logistical problem - we have nowhere private to go! All that has happened so far has been more about slowly, gradually, allowing me to find the submissive headspace that matches her cold, calm, collecting domme headspace. We have been feeling each other out a lot. From my side its all about obedience - not wanting to be brat because I know that I don't need to be, I don't need the defence mechanism. From her side, it is maintaining that obedience - simple, calm, collected words whispered in my ear that nip every bratty thought in the bud before it has even left my lips. Coming up with some simple gesture that she can do that will make me know that I have stepped over the boundary, expressing not her disappointment or anger in me (she is actually very calm and smiling) but a cue that I should be disappointed in myself. A gesture that I don't crave to see because I know that I will get what I want without seeing it. But one that still has a cheeky sense of humour! Every time we have met, she has bought a Jaegar bomb (disguisting things) and put it, very deliberately, on the table in front of me. When brat is about to come out, the Jaegar gets tipped down my throat. I know that, if some of it misses my mouth, I can't lick my lips or wipe it off otherwise I'll get even more. This gesture has slowly evolved over time. We recently went out with a group of friends. Sure enough, a glass of Jaegar was put in front of me. Now, she couldn't very well pour it down my throat (though I knew that she would), but I knew that, when I got that look, I was expected to drink it.   

Another example of the evolution of this new dynamic is the fact that I sit on my hands. The first time I did it, it was my way of showing that I was ready to allow this all to happen, that I was prepared to get rid of my defence mechanism. Now, me sitting on my hands is a given. It also allows fun things to happen...I am not going to write about it in huge detail here, but I left a bar extremely humiliated after having my legs spread and having unspeakable things done to me in a public place, unable to prevent them from happening. It was very hot :-) .

This new dynamic ellicits some of the same feelings in me as my normal form of play. It is, after all, a similar kind of power exchange. It is far more subtle, but it amounts to the same thing. Its just that, instead of choosing to allow myself to be 'forced' to let go of control physically, I choose to allow myself to engage in mind games that, in the end, amount to me letting go of control. But it allows me to let go more fully. 

I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable doing this with just anybody because of past events. Definitely no men, with the exception of Doc - and I wouldn't want to play like this with him anyway because I don't think that he would enjoy it and my play with him is out of this world as it is. I think that I would also struggle to do this in public, though I am considering bringing this side of me out for a select gathering of people I trust. Maybe. But it will be very surreal for people to see!