The Confusing Dynamics of Control (A.K.A My Attempts to be On Top)

This weekend, I have switched between many different facets of my kinky personality. On Friday night, I was a slightly pushy submissive. On Saturday, I was trying to be uber - sub, and I went into a very deep, personal space in which I am a toy who does not move or speak without being asked to first. I then switched into brat mode, playing up and trying to get as much attention as possible, desperate to pick a fight with Doc. I also had a brief moment of wanting to be controlled by someone but not quite giving up my defenses, feeling that I had to maintain control of the situation even though I was essentially taking the role of 'bottom'. On Sunday, I took on a role somewhere between domme and sub - I was acting in a fairly dominant way towards someone under the watchful eye of Doc, who I knew could take control instantly if and when he wanted to. I am very comfortable with the first three scenarios, and am happy to flit between them fairly nonchalantly to a certain extent. The latter two situations are far newer to me - they require me to be in a very unfamiliar top/domme headspace.

Taking the dominant role is something that I have wanted to try for a while. I quite frequently find myself thinking up scenarios that could work, or wanting to say things or look at people in a certain way to make them feel submissive to me. Although neither of the things that happened this weekend saw me being totally in charge, I still felt that I was taking on this new role. At the time, it was fun. It wasn't amazingly mind blowing, but it kept me amused despite a slightly nagging feeling of wishing that I was in the submissive shoes. Weirdly, it was also a completely asexual experience for me. When I am submissive, I get horny. I don't necessarily need sex because pain, humiliation, etc tend to spark a sexual response in me anyway. But as a top, I didn't feel horny in the slightest. I could have got a similar response in myself from completing a logic puzzle.

The aftermath of my attempts at dominance, however, were extremely intense. Since Sunday evening, I have been struck with a really deep sense of self loathing. I have felt angry and frustrated, and have repeatedly lost my temper at the smallest, most insignificant things. I have wanted to cry for no reason, and felt feeble and pathetic. I thought that I was having a funny five minutes, until Doc pointed out that this was EXACTLY how I felt last time I decided to try to top anyone. It seems to be the way that I react to being given control over someone, and I do not like it.

I am now desperately trying to understand this reaction, but I just can't get my head around it. Bunches has suggested to me that I somehow disengage from my sexuality when I top. However, I have never felt any kind of sexual dynamic with anyone without an accompanying feeling of giving up control on my part. So how can I disengage with a sexuality that I never had in the first place? Perhaps I am only able to engage with my sexuality when I am feeling submissive? But then why would that make me so angry and depressed when I take the opposite role?

Right now, I feel that I need to be forced into a very deeply submissive place - so deep that I end up in tears. For some reason, I feel that this will put the world the right way up again. But my mentality is far to fragile to do that today. Catch 22. I guess I just need to wait for this feeling to wear off. I just wish I understood it.

Anticipation

More and more, I am realising that the more I anticipate something, the more mind blowing the final event is. I have experienced this many many times before, but nothing quite to the extent of the anticipation that I am experiencing at the moment. I'm not usually one to blog about an event immediately after it has happened, but this one is eating away at me so much that I feel I need to. 

Last night, I quite innocently posted on Twitter that I was thinking about having my hair cut to just below my shoulders, and asked for advice. I have very long, very thick hair and often get noticed for it. It has been like that for 4 years or so now. Therefore, getting my hair cut is quite a big thing for me. It is a big part of my identity, something that I can't really imagine myself without. It is also something that I connect with my Grandpa - he absolutely loved my hair and used to stroke it whenever I saw him. But I haven't really done much with it for the past 2 years, and it is a big tangled mess. It needs sorting out.

The moment that I posted my Tweet, I received a message saying 'Oh no, what are you thinking, I love your hair!'. Then, very soon after that, another: 'Ooh ooh, it could be so humiliating for you if it was done right'. Yes, it could. That thought played on my mind. We discussed a scenario where I was knelt in the middle of the floor in a public place, told that I looked a mess and threatened with scissors. Slowly, slowly, calmly, small chunks of my hair would be cut. All the time, I would be made to feel like a pathetic, helpless mess. I wouldn't have any control over it at all, it would basically be hacked at. Now, that part of the dicussion was just fine with me, and, quite frankly, made me very horny. But then the discussion turned to the practicalities - which hair salon should I have an appointment booked at for the following day, and what would be my shortest limit. It looks like I may have got myself into doing this for real...

There are two people who are likely to be involved in this. One of them has been texting me every so often with subtle sentences that include the word 'short'. The other keeps making offhand comments about how I would look good with a mohawk. I am getting scared. Neither will confirm if, or when, it will happen. Given that this was a casual conversation, I would not be surprised if it didn't happen. But increasingly, it looks more likely that it will. And I am scared. This is a BIG thing for me. I can't stop thinking about it. But clearly I want it, otherwise I wouldn't have written this...

The whole situation is the ultimate anticipatory mind fuck. It is something that I got myself into. Its something that I am scared of, that will be difficult for me. It is something that I now feel like I can't control (even though I know that I could). I have no idea when it will happen, or how. And I keep receiving very subtle hints, reminding me that it could happen and that how my hair ends up is totally out of my control. I have no idea what will happen now, but it is playing on my mind. Constantly. And that is HOT.

Orwellian Fantasies

This is something that I have been wanting to try for a while, but I really don't see any way of every making it a reality which is very sad. But I am secretly hoping that someone might read this who may have an idea of how to make it happen! I also have never come across anyone else who has similar fantasies, so I would be very interested to hear the opinions of others on this one.

So. I am thinking along the lines of 1984. I live by a set of protocols that I accept without understanding, set by some abstract being that I am aware of but do not know. This being sets a strict routine designed to prevent me from thinking. The system is set up so that I am afraid of thinking because I am afraid of the unknown - I know that I will be taken away and horrible things will happen if I commit Thoughtcrime, but I don't know what they are. I want to recreate the psychological fear of Room 101. I live constantly aware that there is some intangible being watching my every move, but feeling like there must be a way around it, I must be able to secretly find a way to break this strict regime. Eventually I crack, I can't follow the routine any more, I have to allow myself some time for me, some time when I can think about what I am doing. I get away with it for a short period of time, but I know that, now that I have committed Thoughtcrime, I will inevitably end up in Room 101. I just don't know how long I will have to wait. Eventually I am found. This is where the fantasy runs out. I know that, when I get to Room 101, I really want to feel anticipation, fear, and eventually to be broken. But it wouldn't make sense for me to know how that will happen - that would ruin the whole game.

A New Dynamic

I am sure that my posts to date make it fairly clear that I am currently experiencing a bit of fluidity in my style of subbing. By this, I mean that, rather than automatically putting up my bratty defense mechanisms , I am starting to let go a bit and be a lot more 'submissive' rather than 'bottom' in the ways that I play. I think that there are a few reasons for this:

• I am now so comfortable in my primary relationship that I have reached a point that, for me, is very difficult to reach - I am able to completely surrender my own negativities and paranoias when I play with him because I have so much trust in the fact that he is watching out for me and aware of absolutely everything.
• As I play with more people, I am learning to better read what they like in play. I feel quite strongly that it is not only down to the top to make the play enjoyable for the bottom but also vice versa. This is much easier when I know that someone I trust is watching it all unfold.
• Bunches and I, for whom things have been a bit up and down in the past, have found a style of play that really really works for both of us. And I think it has been a bit unexpected for us both. The way that I play with her is a complete juxtaposition to the way in which I have played with anyone else in the recent past. It is this play that I wan't to write about here - I think that the only way to truly demonstrate what I mean by all of this is to write about our play.

I say play, but really there hasn't been much proper play because we have a logistical problem - we have nowhere private to go! All that has happened so far has been more about slowly, gradually, allowing me to find the submissive headspace that matches her cold, calm, collecting domme headspace. We have been feeling each other out a lot. From my side its all about obedience - not wanting to be brat because I know that I don't need to be, I don't need the defence mechanism. From her side, it is maintaining that obedience - simple, calm, collected words whispered in my ear that nip every bratty thought in the bud before it has even left my lips. Coming up with some simple gesture that she can do that will make me know that I have stepped over the boundary, expressing not her disappointment or anger in me (she is actually very calm and smiling) but a cue that I should be disappointed in myself. A gesture that I don't crave to see because I know that I will get what I want without seeing it. But one that still has a cheeky sense of humour! Every time we have met, she has bought a Jaegar bomb (disguisting things) and put it, very deliberately, on the table in front of me. When brat is about to come out, the Jaegar gets tipped down my throat. I know that, if some of it misses my mouth, I can't lick my lips or wipe it off otherwise I'll get even more. This gesture has slowly evolved over time. We recently went out with a group of friends. Sure enough, a glass of Jaegar was put in front of me. Now, she couldn't very well pour it down my throat (though I knew that she would), but I knew that, when I got that look, I was expected to drink it.   

Another example of the evolution of this new dynamic is the fact that I sit on my hands. The first time I did it, it was my way of showing that I was ready to allow this all to happen, that I was prepared to get rid of my defence mechanism. Now, me sitting on my hands is a given. It also allows fun things to happen...I am not going to write about it in huge detail here, but I left a bar extremely humiliated after having my legs spread and having unspeakable things done to me in a public place, unable to prevent them from happening. It was very hot :-) .

This new dynamic ellicits some of the same feelings in me as my normal form of play. It is, after all, a similar kind of power exchange. It is far more subtle, but it amounts to the same thing. Its just that, instead of choosing to allow myself to be 'forced' to let go of control physically, I choose to allow myself to engage in mind games that, in the end, amount to me letting go of control. But it allows me to let go more fully. 

I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable doing this with just anybody because of past events. Definitely no men, with the exception of Doc - and I wouldn't want to play like this with him anyway because I don't think that he would enjoy it and my play with him is out of this world as it is. I think that I would also struggle to do this in public, though I am considering bringing this side of me out for a select gathering of people I trust. Maybe. But it will be very surreal for people to see!

Masochism Part 2

Although on the surface masochism is well accepted in the kink scene (BDSM -  its even in the acronym!) I am beginning more and more to think that, when you dig deeper, this isn't the case. I have written a couple of entries already on this topic, explaining that pain often triggers off a deep response of pleasure in me. When pain is inflicted, a wave comes over me, somewhat similar to an orgasm. It starts at the point where the pain is, but spreads across my whole body, into my brain and I get this kind of silent ringing sensation in my ears as the pleasure becomes more and more intense. However, I have met very few people who get a similar reaction to pain. A lot of people enjoy pain because they enjoy the response that they get from their partner - they enjoy enduring something that is inflicted upon them, or they see it as a challenge. I have come across people who won't play with anyone who reacts to pain in the way that I do because they see it as unhealthy, somehow linked to the emotions illicited by self harm. There seems to be a misconception that those who enjoy pain experience some kind of emotional relief from it and that it is their way of dealing with unresolved issues. This annoys me. Ok, so it may be true of some people. But I struggle to be hurt when I am in a bad mood or feeling emotional about something. I just enjoy pain. Am I right, or is everyone else? Do I, in fact, have some unresolved emotional issues that I can only deal with through masochism? I don't think so, I just wish others could understand that I LIKE PAIN!!!

Sex

A simple title for a simple topic, and one that has been on my mind a lot recently. How does sex mesh with kink in my life?

Everyone I have spoken to about this comes from a different standpoint, but I would say that, for the vast majority, sex and BDSM are linked. Most of these people seem to see their 'kink' activities as part of their sex life in one way or another. This somehow doesn't quite feel compatible with my personal sex life, but I can't work out why. However, much reflection has led me to think that, rather than kink being part of my sex life, sex is a part of my kink. I really REALLY struggle to initiate sex. And questions like 'was that good?' or 'do you want to do this?' I just can't answer. In fact, they make me uncomfortable. I can only really enjoy sex when it is forced upon me and I have no choice in the matter. But why? It does make it rather difficult sometimes...particularly when I want, but there is noone there to provide. Also, sex without some kind of domination or pain is just not sex to me. Its fun, but it doesn't turn me on and doesn't feel right. I think that every kinky person has an 'is this normal?' moment at some point, and this may be mine.

The Endorphins Strike Again

For the past few weeks, I haven’t been able to do anything kink related at all. I haven’t even been able to have sex of any description. All because one of my fallopian tubes decided to grow a cyst and my body decided that it needed removing surgically. Yesterday marked two-and-a-half weeks since the op, and that meant that, finally, I could start having some kind of sexual contact again. No penetration, and definitely nothing that might cause impact to my stomach (directly or indirectly), so most sex and any hard play were pretty much ruled out. And yet I still managed to have an evening that ranks in my top 5 most amazing kink experiences ever.

This all took place at the home of a couple of friends. Usually at these parties there is a mix of people that I have got to know quite well over the past year and people that I hardly know at all. As a result of this, I often go into brat mode. For reasons that I won’t go into here, it is my defence mechanism and makes me feel comfortable around new people. However, yesterday this felt strange. I was in quite a ‘submissive’ mood and really didn’t want to be forced to do anything, but rather to do as asked and give up a bit of self control. I was also pretty desperate to play with Doc as we haven’t been able to do so properly in a long time. Unfortunately, he was preoccupied with covering a very sexy lady in cake and icing, so I took it upon myself to go and find some quiet, sedate play. Well, sort of. I was helped along the way by a lady whom I shall refer to here as Wonderful Needle Lady (for obvious reasons), who very subtly waved her bag of needles in front of me and told me that they were a sure-fire way to make sure I got some pain but didn’t damage myself.

At this point, I think that I should enter into the equation a lady who I shall call Bunches (for no reason other than that she had bunches when I first met her and I need to refer to her as something). I have been flirting outrageously with her for a while, and have played with her in the past as well with mixed success. But we get on with each other incredibly well and always have a lot of fun. Now, we both wanted to play with each other, but, again for reasons that I won’t go into here, didn’t want to inflict pain on me. However, when she heard the word ‘needles’ her ears pricked up and she decided to come and watch. So I headed upstairs with both her and Wonderful Needle Lady, and found myself lain across a medical bench.

I have played with needles before, but not with someone with quite as much experience as Wonderful Needle Lady. To start with, she made sure I was relaxed. I lay with my face down as she gently rubbed my back with a gloved hand, and shut my eyes. The room went very quiet. Then, she started putting the needles in, and the endorphins hit. With each needle that she put in, I seemed to go deeper and deeper into my own little world. Everyone describes this feeling as ‘floaty’, but there really is no better word to describe it. I felt like my mind was totally focussed on the sensations I was experiencing and it couldn’t conceive anything else, even the notion that I was a person lying on a bench. I was floating in the whirl of sensations, and everything she did just made it all the more intense. I have had this kind of feeling once before, and both times have been incredibly special. Wonderful Needle Lady was able to read me incredibly well, stopping every so often to play with the needles and making me go even deeper into subspace. At one point, Bunches put a glove on, and, under Needle Lady’s instruction, played with the tips of the needles and stroked my ultra sensitive skin. She also played with me elsewhere, which intensified the experience even more. Then it was time for the needles to come out. Wonderful Needle Lady did this by putting an alcohol wipe over the needle as she pulled it out, and this was an incredible sensation, and forced me even further into my own floaty world. She took her time doing it, allowing me to completely absorb all of the sensations. I have no idea how long it took me to come back to earth, but I am guessing that it took a little while. I know that, even when I went back downstairs to join the party, my head wasn’t really with me.

 Back downstairs, I had a fair few people come up to me and try to talk to me who I didn’t know very well. I hope that they forgive me for being slightly rude, I was feeling slightly vulnerable and not really in the right mindset to play along. Instead, I curled up with a man known as Northern Monkey (the same man who was responsible for the awesome hair bondage I mentioned earlier), who I was able to relax around. He gently held me with his hand around my throat, not really allowing me to come fully back to earth yet. Then he passed me on to Doc, who could see that I was really still quite endorphin filled and decided to prolong it for me. He took me back up to the medical bench and lay me across it, making it very clear that if I made a noise or moved then he would stop what he was doing. He gently flogged my back and my arse, never putting all of his force into it but keeping it heavy enough that it still hurt. Slowly, my head really started spinning and I got lost in subspace again. I was completely overcome with it all, and was starting to cry (a reaction that play with Doc seems to draw from me far more often than play with anyone else).

Back downstairs and slightly recovered, Bunches was on a mission. I said before that I couldn’t have any penetrative sex, and I find it incredibly difficult to cum without it. But Bunches was determined, and she led me into a small study room where she pinned me against a wall and pretty much forced me to cum. She acted like she didn’t really care about me, just about getting an orgasm out of me. I felt incredibly dirty, forced into a tiny room and raped while people were walking about outside. And my head was still a bit floaty, which intensified it all the more. And, to finish it all off, we accidently got locked into the room and had to get someone to break the door down to get us out. Completely accidental and absolutely hilarious, but actually, and somewhat bizarrely, really added to my humiliating rape fantasy – now everyone else knew about it as well. Very humiliating, but incredibly hot.

The whole evening was incredible for me. For once, I was not the brat, the centre of attention or the evening’s party favour, but I got to play the other side of me in a more public place than it would usually come out. The result was amazing.