On the BDSM scene, it
is not uncommon to hear submissives referred to as having incredible strength
for their ability to trust their dominant and allow them to take charge of what
is essentially, in some cases, their life. However, it seems that, when it comes
to ‘vanilla’ life, being submissive is seen as a weak personality trait. Many
people strive to be the alpha, to be in direct control of any situation that
may get thrown their way. Even within the scene, most submissives that I have
come across pride themselves on their dominant personalities within everyday
life.
I do not agree with
this. I strongly believe that it takes even more strength to be submissive in a
vanilla context than within the more clear-cut roles of BDSM
play/relationships. To be able to take on the ideas of others, to realise that
they may have equal or greater potential than your own, to embrace them and to
take the hits when they are wrong, all whilst maintaining your own integrity
and self belief, takes a great deal of inner strength. To do this in the face
of someone with whom you have a strong emotional connection can sometimes
require even more resilience.
To explain this more
fully, I have a couple of examples. The first comes from my Mum, who, in my
eyes, is one of the strongest people I have come across. I am very lucky to
have parents who, after 30 years of marriage, are still head over heels for
each other. However, I think that I can attribute a lot of this to Mum’s
approach. As a blind artist with a limited ability to read the emotions of
others, Dad can be extremely demanding. There have been many occasions when I
have watched Mum go to help him do something really simple, like cook dinner or
help with his medication, and he has ended up angry and frustrated because
something wasn’t done quite right. Rather than confront him while he is angry,
making him stubborn and compounding the situation, Mum puts down whatever she
is doing (she usually has a VERY long list), and simply tries again to get it
right. Then, when he has calmed down, she talks to him about what has happened
and conveys her feelings. I know that it is incredibly difficult for her to do
this at times, and I am not saying that it is a technique that always succeeds,
but I admire her hugely for being able to put his needs first in such a way.
The second example is
more personal. Of late, I have been living in a household with two people who
are essentially both trying to be ‘alpha’ (this may be a bone of contention to
both of them when they read it, partly because the truth in this statement is
debatable at times). I get on extremely well with them both, but often find
myself caught in the middle of the struggle to be on top. I am trying to let
them both work it out between themselves, sitting back and listening both to
their arguments and the times when they are really getting on well, trying to
give them the space that they need to work it out. I know that my role will
fall into a slot that will be defined by how their relationship works out, and
I need to let them work that out for themselves. In a sense, my fate is in
their hands. I often have a strong urge to protect one or other of them from
arguments that I can see coming a mile off, but I know that to do so would be
damaging to them, which would, in turn, be damaging to my relationships with
them both. It is not that I don’t air my feelings and opinions, but, like my
Mum, I wait. Sometimes the wait is long, but I feel that it is worth it.
Inside, I know that I have taken care of myself and ensured that my needs are
met eventually, and that I don’t have to feel that I have in some way backed
down. Equally, I have done my best to ensure that their needs have also been
met.
It is all very well
and good feeling strong inside. But I am increasingly getting the impression
that people on the outside view me as weak willed, and this is making me start
to question myself. Is it okay to be viewed as weak when you feel strong
inside? Would accepting their opinion make me weak merely by removing my inner
unquestioning strength? How far is too far when it comes to putting myself in
the firing line, albeit temporarily? Does submission really equal strength, or
is it just an excuse?
Fundamentally, I
believe that since I am making a conscious decision to take this submissive
approach, I am not weak willed. It is when I feel forced into taking such a
stance (which has happened to me in the past) that submission becomes a
weakness. Like many things, this is basically an extension of my kinky life –
it is easy to sit back and let someone beat the shit out of you, but to choose
to hand over that power to them to do whatever they will takes a huge amount of
courage, self worth, personal integrity. Herein lies the strength of the
submissive.
