The Blurb

Both ski socks and flip flops are pretty everyday objects (if you are the kind of exciting person who, like me, likes to go to snowy mountains and tropical beaches, not if you are a boring recluse). Most of what I write about will, I suspect, seem slightly crazy to your average 'vanilla'. But, to me, kink is so integrated into my life that I sometimes don't notice that it is a bit odd.

Ski socks and flip flops are also both totally contradictory to each other. This, in part, reflects the fact that I go by the online psuedonym 'Walking Oxymoron'. But it also explains me very well. I do not look like someone who you might imagine to be a sexual deviant. When out and about, I don't act any differently from anyone else. In fact, I like to think that I appear fairly innocent and demure.

This blog is about the other side of me - my dark side. Specifically, the emotional side of it. Behind the whips and canes and other fun things is a variety of very normal 'vanilla' feelings. They just choose to display themselves in some unconventional places...

Saturday 12 February 2011

Being 'Little'

Roleplay has never been something that has interested me. I have always felt that, unless I really truly believed it and felt that it was *real* in some way (rather than being based upon a fictitious back story), then I would never truly be able to immerse myself in it enough to enjoy it. However, I have recently found myself slipping naturally into the kinds of roles that I never thought could work. Kitty, for example, has been coming out far more often recently, although still not to her full extent. And, even more surprising to me, I have started to develop a childish alter-ego...


I have always enjoyed playing the innocent and being 'corrupted'. However, until now, ageplay has felt a bit weird. Firstly, I have never really understood what the 'older' party gets out of it. Secondly, given that I am a very maternal person, I have always been scared that it would illicit maternal feelings in me. And, in a sexual context, that would disturb me hugely. I felt the same uncomfortable trepidation about kitty play once upon a time, but when the kitty character emerged it did so naturally and formed almost as an extension to my own character rather than as something that I had to focus on to create. The same thing applies here - my inner child is not twisted and paedophilic, but rather an extension of my own adult personality that accentuates some of my more childlike desires.


I first noticed 'little one' when I was lay in someone's arms, being cradled tightly, head held against her chest and legs tucked up in her arms, hair being stroked. I suddenly noticed that I felt not only very safe and comfortable, but also protected and, for some reason, reliant. I felt that I was hanging on to her every word, seeing her as a figure of authority and higher standing. That didn't mean that I didn't want to challenge her authority - it actually made me feel incredibly cheeky - but it changed the framework in which my cheekiness was portrayed. I rather enjoyed the feeling of being referred to as 'little' - it accentuated that new power dynamic whilst allowing me to be inquisitive and test the boundaries. I also enjoyed being told that 'being punished had to be bad, because that was the only way I would learn. It was for my own good.' Usually, I enjoy the approach of the evil sadist, but this was the total opposite to that. There was a juxtaposition between the loving demeanor and the threat of horrible, nasty things, and that messed with my head in a very good way. It threw me off guard and made it very difficult to argue and fight back in my usual style. I reverted to behaving like a stroppy child who accepts their punishment because they can see no other option, but who will throw a tantrum about it nevertheless.


All of this stemmed from about 5 minutes of downtime, during which time there was no play at all. The dynamic that was created was completely unplanned, and, to me, seemed to stem from nowhere. In the same way that my kitty character is specific to Doc, I think that the 'little one' is created as much by the person that I was with as by myself. That isn't to say that I couldn't do it with someone else, but I think that a new character would have to naturally emerge.


Like kitty, 'little one' is a different side to me and opens up new avenues for different kinds of play. Both roles are incredibly relaxing and very liberating, allowing me to let go of some of my inhibitions for a short period of time and focus on ther parts of me that I like the most. I have only really dabbled my toe in both roles and feel that there is *so much* more to explore in this area. But I have to fall into the characters naturally, which makes it incredibly difficult to plan. Hopefully, though, there is more to come!

Saturday 5 February 2011

Anticipation: The Follow Through

About two weeks ago, I wrote about the anticipation of having my hair cut as part of humiliation scene. Since then, the taunting has continued, with constant mentions of the words 'short', 'cut', 'snip' and anything else that is vaguely relevant. Bunches and Doc got tickets for the three of us to go to Surrender together, and I was convinced that it was going to happen there. But then, last week, the taunting stopped. I asked about it, and was told that it wasn't going to happen and they had just been winding me up. This news was met with an outward sense of relief with an inner, very hidden, feeling of disappointment. But I believed them, and I was glad that I didn't have to mentally prepare for losing my hair because I wasn't sure that I could go through with it. Ever since I wrote the first blog, people have been telling me that they don't want to see my hair cut and that I will lose my appeal without it, so I was very definitely having second thoughts. 

Last night, the three of us headed to Surrender, as planned. The hair cutting plan crossed my mind for a fleeting moment when Doc accused me of giving him a glare that 'cut right through him', but I dismissed it - I believed that it wasn't going to happen. I put a lot of effort into getting ready, creating a look that I hadn't really tried out before. I donned fishnet tights, shorts, a suit jacket, killer heels and bright red lipstick, and spent about half an hour trying to wrestle my hair into the perfect french plait, which I topped with a bowler hat. I felt sexy, confident and, bizarrely, slightly dominant. I was acting extremely bratty, and actually considered trying again to top someone. 

After a couple of drinks, Bunches grabbed my hand and tried to lead me to the playroom. I protested - I was desperate for the loo, so I said that I would meet her up there. She refused, and accompanied me to the toilet. I thought this was a little weird, but I didn't really question it. 

Once upstairs, Bunches sat me down in a corner with Doc with a drink. They both looked at me and made 'snip snip' gestures, but it still didn't cross my mind that they were planning to do it imminently. Doc decided that he wanted to do some rope with me, and Bunches disappeared while he tied me up. I was feeling fairly cantancerous, so I kept holding my hands in awkward positions and grabbing the rope. He played along, but it was at this point that I realised that there was something else brewing and that he and Bunches were up to something. I still didn't know what it was. It wasn't until my hands were inescapably tied above my head and Doc and Bunches looked me straight in the eyes, grinning at me, as Doc pulled out his cut throat razor that the realisation hit. I panicked, and started saying 'No, you can't do it now!'. They calmly replied 'Oh yes we can' and, with one swift movement, Doc had turned me so that the back of my head faced the rapidly growing audience, grabbed the end of my plait and sliced straight through it. I couldn't see it, but I heard it, and the noise was horrible - it sounded so brutal. I hit a state of total denial, disbelief and shock, and the adrenaline rush of it all went to my head. They took my plait out, and proceeded to brutally slice chunks out of it as they forced me to look at everyone who was watching. It felt like they were ctting the hair somewhere around the level of my ears! The reaction within me was very different to anything that I have ever experienced before - I went very giddy and giggly, and was struck speechless. I was getting high off of the fact that I now had no control over what they did at all - my inhibitions were ripped from me with my hair. I couldn't believe it was happening. At one point, Bunches made me watch the blade rip through a chunk of hair, which forced me to confront what was happening and accept it. I felt shocked and degraded, but this deepened the giggly, shocked state.

As the crowd gathered, they started cheering Doc and Bunches on, fueling my inner exhibitionist. They started making request, and from the background I heard someone yell 'shave it off!'. At this, Doc grabbed the nape of my neck and held the razor blade at the edge of my hair-line. He held it there for a couple of seconds before slowly moving it backwards. I could feel the blade catching the hair really close to my scalp, and when he moved it away a huge chunk of hair fell over my shoulder. I couldn't stop grinning and giggling, I was flying. 

Eventually, they decided that they had taken enough. Bunches forced me to look at the GIANT pile of hair on the floor, and whispered in my ear that Doc was going to let me down and they wanted to watch me clear up the pile of hair. When I was untied, I sat on the floor, stroking the pile of hair. I couldn't believe that it was my hair in my hands. I was completely speechless, and I couldn't stop stroking it. They told me to hurry up, and started hitting me with the Dragon's Tail (an implement that Doc always calls 'motivation'). I was hardly aware of what was going on when they eventually moved me away from the area to let someone else use it.

I spent the next hour or so walking around the club in a giggly daze. I kept feeling the back of my head and stroking my hair, in total disbelief that it happened. Doc then decided to play with me, and I was so emotional that I cried all the way through it. I felt so deeply loved, despite my mutilated hair, as he did it that I just couldn't stem the flow of tears. It was as though he was telling me how proud he was of me. I hit subspace so quicky and floated off through the endless tears, still giggling and high. 

Today, the first thing that I did was go and get my hair sorted out. The straggly long bits that Doc and Bunches left were deceptive - it is much shorter than I realised it would be. I feel naked without my hair, it is very strange. But I love it. The act of having my hair cut was so powerful it was more than worth the new hair cut, which, once I get used to, I am sure that I will love. I have been told that it suits me and I look cute, but it is not what it looks like that matters :-) 



An Afterthought:
I was recently asked whether I have now started to look for 'The Edge' again. The hair cutting scene was exactly that. It was something that I chose to do because I could. It served no purpose other than for me to broaden my list of things that I have experienced. It was uncharted territory for me. It was a fairly spontaneous decision, and it made me happy. It gave me the buzz that I often used to get from trying something knew and not worrying what people might think of me because of it. Have I got my mojo back?

Being an Attention Slut

Last weekend I felt a little bit like a small child who has been given a suitcase full of money to spend in the world's largest sweet shop. I was incredibly greedy and indulged in rather a lot of very fun play. It has taken me a week to get around to writing about it - I would like to write about it all, but I just don't have the time or energy to cover everything! I am therefore going to focus on one of  my biggest kinks - exhibitionism. I have wanted to write about my exhibitionist streak for a while because it is something that I really enjoy and is one of my most prominent fetishes, and now I have the perfect opportunity to!

I have recently started playing with a very hot girl known as Lilith. We are finding out that a lot of our kinks are very similar, most noticeably the fact that we are both massive exhibitionists and thrive off of attention. Last Friday, we went to Pedestal together with a large crowd of friends. Since Pedestal is a predominantly heterosexual F/m club with heavy tones of protocol driven D/s play, we were going to stand out from the masses regardless. Which was just fine with us. I think the gentle playfighting at the beginning of the evening went fairly unnoticed as the place was still pretty empty. There was some rope play and a really good flogging, which felt fairly private at the time but which was followed by a steady stream of people expressing their awe at my masochism, which was nice and ego-boosting. I was therefore already fairly hyped up on endorphines as I sat at her feet and we discussed who would win in a fight. She seemed pretty confident that she could easily overpower me. If I was honest, I would have admitted defeat at that point - I was feeling fairly weak and feeble after the heavy beating. But I couldn't just let her win the argument, so I fought my corner. Having already been fairly thoroughly battered, I was pretty sure that the argument would remain verbal. Until she grabbed my collar and pulled me up to my feet, and slowly pulled on her leather biker gloves with big, metal knuckles. SHIT, thought I. But I sure as hell wasn't going to let her win. OK, so she is three times my strength and knows that I turn to jelly when she bites me, but I still fought. We attracted quite a crowd, many of whom had clearly not seen this type of play before. There were lots of gasps of 'is she OK?' and 'can she really do that?' as her fists hit various limbs. My mind was focussed on the fact that I was being completely overpowered and was slightly scared of the metal knuckledusters (only a slight exaggeration), but hearing the gasps in the background and seeing glimpses of faces between blows made that adrenaline rush doubly intense. Strangely, it also gave me a bit of a power rush, knowing that what I was doing could captivate an audience in such a way. That drove me to take more, to keep going and to keep trying to win (even though it was pretty futile (which, in itself, was very hot)). Afterwards, when I had recovered, we had several people approach us and say that they found it really sexy to watch, which made me smile and gave me a smug feeling. I like this kind of retrospective attention just as much as I enjoy an audience for play - it gives me the same power rush, accompanied by a feeling of pride in myself and, more importantly, in my play partner. It makes me feel attractive and noticed, which is an amazing feeling.

The following day, we both indulged our inner exhibitionists again, but in a very different way. Having stayed at Lilith's after Pedestal I had no outfit to wear to a party that evening, so she kindly lent me a stunning latex dress. With hideous matching frilly knickers. Which she made me wear. In the car, I threatened (for the twentieth time) to take them off. Her response to this was 'Well, if you take them off then I will have no choice but to drive you to a dogging site, bend you over the bonnet and spank you. Are you going to take them off?' 
I didn't reply.
So, needless to say, we drove to a secluded wood where, in front of a crowd of strange men, she bent me over the bonnet and spanked me. This time, the attention felt less like adoration and applause and more wank fodder. But it got a very similar reaction out of me. The fact that I was receiving this type of attention made me feel sexually degraded, which is a huge turn on. But it also gave me a power rush, knowing that these people were looking at me. I didn't look at them because my head was hung in embarrassed shame, but secretly I was getting such a buzz from the whole thing. 

I'm not sure why I thrive off of attention quite so much as I do, but I do know that, in general, play of any kind is better with an audience. It makes the high so much higher and the adrenaline rush all the more intense. It is definitely something to indulge in more often, particularly in the fashion that I did over the Pedestal weekend!