The Blurb

Both ski socks and flip flops are pretty everyday objects (if you are the kind of exciting person who, like me, likes to go to snowy mountains and tropical beaches, not if you are a boring recluse). Most of what I write about will, I suspect, seem slightly crazy to your average 'vanilla'. But, to me, kink is so integrated into my life that I sometimes don't notice that it is a bit odd.

Ski socks and flip flops are also both totally contradictory to each other. This, in part, reflects the fact that I go by the online psuedonym 'Walking Oxymoron'. But it also explains me very well. I do not look like someone who you might imagine to be a sexual deviant. When out and about, I don't act any differently from anyone else. In fact, I like to think that I appear fairly innocent and demure.

This blog is about the other side of me - my dark side. Specifically, the emotional side of it. Behind the whips and canes and other fun things is a variety of very normal 'vanilla' feelings. They just choose to display themselves in some unconventional places...

Friday 5 October 2012

The Change.

It has been almost six months exactly since my last blog post, in which I explained why I wanted to give myself a break from kink for a while. It has been a long six months during which I have examined my motivations inside and out, and I believe that I have come out  much healthier, happier, and, most importantly, more aware person. 

I have gained some valuable knowledge about myself, and the ways in which I used to use kink because I wanted boundaries. As my depression (linked to my upbringing) got worse, my cravings got more and more desperate and I wanted more and more extreme boundaries. Eventually, I managed to convince myself that the only way to express love was through extreme pain and hurt.

I now feel that I am in a much more stable place, and, being more aware of my motives - both positive and negative - I am ready to make a controlled return to my kinky life. I get things from kink that I cannot get from anywhere else. When done correctly, it makes me feel safe and secure. It relaxes me and allows me a place to escape from my everyday life. It makes me feel special. And I have made some very close friends through the kink scene, who I miss terribly.

So, here I am. Making my slow, controlled return. If you see me out, then please say hello/come to catch up. But no spontaneous play. I am going to be much more picky (and hopefully more safe) from now on. 

Saturday 7 April 2012

Kink and Depression

Disclaimer: I do not wish to make a generalised link between BDSM and mental health in this post. Far from it. In my experience, those who engage in BDSM are far healthier than most. I am merely recounting my own experiences.

For the past five or so years (and arguably much longer) I have been suffering with chronic depression. My condition has deteriorated markedly over the past few months, and I have consequently spent four weeks in a psychiatric hospital going through some pretty intense therapy. This therapy has led me to put every aspect of my life story under scrutiny, and, from this, I have identified some major changes that I need to make if I wish to be happy. The first, and by far the easiest, is to withdraw totally from the fetish scene.

There are several reasons for this. Firstly, and most importantly, is that I need to learn to love myself. One of the damaging behavioral patterns that I have identified is that I define my identity by the success of my relationships with others. More specifically, I do not value myself as a person unless I am having a positive influence on another. I quite literally give up my sense of self for those I love. One of the many ways in which I validate this is through sexual submission. I need to recognise that it is not okay for me to put myself through what, in the past, has been significant emotional and physical hurt to make another person slightly happier with their lot. Until I have learnt this lesson, I think that it is wise for me to avoid situations that mimic this pattern.

In return for this giving of myself, I expect others to do similar for me. When I hear the words ‘I love you’, or even ‘I like you’, I hear ‘I will do anything within my power to protect you from the evils of the world.’ In truth, this is what I desperately want. For various reasons, my inner child has not been given the chance to develop and is essentially looking to be ‘re-parented’. However, as an adult, it is unrealistic to expect anyone to do this for me. Therein lies my second lesson: I need to stop putting my inner child into emotionally dangerous situations by allowing others too much access to her vulnerabilities and her desperate need for affection. I often struggle to see the difference between being dominated and being looked after, and I therefore need to unravel my adult’s feelings from my child’s feelings before I continue.

Finally, I have been forced to analyse which things in my life make me feel good and are therefore of high importance. Sexually, this means accepting that I am actually scared of sex. My inner child clings to the sense of being wanted that being fucked brings. However, I am usually left feeling empty and unloved – and I use the excuse of ‘subdrop’ to validate this feeling. I don’t want this any more.

I cannot make all of these changes overnight. It is going to take me a long time, and I have to be prepared to take baby steps. Re-reading this blogpost fills me with a horrible sense of dread. My need for sex as validation of my self worth, in particular, is something that I don’t fully understand and that is going to take a lot of re-wiring. But today, I am taking the first steps by a) writing this post and b) deleting my Twitter account.

Twitter is an engine for the social fetish scene. It is also a place on which a giant popularity contest is played out. It is where the ‘cool kids’ announce which party they are at and how outlandish it is. It is a place that people turn to for support when they are struggling and, for me, it is a place to which I turn for popular validation of my feelings and actions. I should not need this validation to quite the extent that I do. So it is time to kick the habit.

I have some plans for play in place in the coming months which I do not intend to change – baby steps, remember – and I expect that those involved with this will understand my desire to carry them through, but also that I need to put some emotional barriers in place before I do. I do not intend to stop playing with Lilith if I get the chance, since, in terms of both emotional connection and psychological awareness, she represents a very safe space. I may well reinstate my Twitter account and return to the scene within a few weeks. I may disappear for much longer. Those who are important will know where to find me, and will be there whether I am involved in the fetish scene or not.

Monday 27 February 2012

D/S and Love: Why I No Longer Wear My Collar

I have recently returned from a magical week in Austria with Lilith. The holiday turned out to be a bit of a turning point in my kink journey (in more ways than one – see forthcoming post entitled ‘was I raped by a hot Austrian masseur’), and indeed in my relationship with Lilith. In short, I am no longer her submissive. I have removed my collar and am a free willed kinkster once again.

This does not mean that we no longer wish to be together – far from it. Rather, it means that we have come to a realisation that we should have come to a long time ago – that Lilith does not really want to be on top, and that I don’t really want her role in my life to be as the dominant. When we fell in love, it was not because of anything kinky (although, admittedly, it was kink that threw us together in the first place). She is, and always has been, my adventure buddy, life companion, security blanket and closest friend first and my dominant second. I want to take care of her as much as she does me, and we are truly both equals in the relationship. We both have our own lives, our own universes, and they have a symbiotic relationship. They are not in competition, and one does not need to dominate the other. Being in such a relationship is somewhat new to me, and anyone who knows Lilith will realise that it isn’t exactly familiar, comfortable territory for her either. But it is infinitely better than any other kink-based relationship that I’ve ever been in. It somehow feels more substantial, more homely, more real.

Of course, we are both still kinky people and our kinky desires have not disappeared. But by finally admitting to each other that we do not fulfill those roles in each others’ lives, we are now able to explore fully without feeling tied to the other by guilt. Through admitting the truth, I feel that a huge burden has been lifted. I had been struggling to force myself into a submissive role when I could see that she didn’t really want to give back as the dominant. Now, I don’t need to. We can go off and play as two submissive girls, both together and separately.

This does somewhat change my answer to the question ‘what are you looking for?’ I truly have come full circle, and am looking for something that I had when I first started exploring six years ago. I want someone/several people with whom I can have regular, no-strings-attached play. I do not want to be forced to submit through pain or force, but rather to choose to submit. I want someone who understands that my submission will always be separate to my loving relationship (although I do understand that, in order to get what I crave, the relationship cannot be completely emotionally detached). I want to be able to go somewhere for a couple of sessions a month where I can totally lose myself in that kind of submission without feeling the need to build the relationship any further than that of friends (or even, dare I say it, of dom/sub). A big ask, perhaps, but I don’t think it is impossible. I have come across several dominants that would like the same thing from a submissive. Sadly, with these people, the timing has never been right.  But there must be more out there. I just need to find them.

So what about my play with Lilith? She is still a sadist, and I still a masochist, and we fit well in that respect. I am hoping for many happy hours spent together in our dungeon in the future, and I have a big list of things that I would still like to do with her. But this will be as, when and if we both feel like it. And it will be nothing more than play that turns us both on. Neither of us will be forced into roles that do not fit. Sexually, I am more turned on by her now than ever before. Now that I know that I am not bound by my submissive role, I somehow feel that I am entitled to wish to ravish her sometimes. I am finding that I am getting the urge to play with her body - to lick, stroke, suck and fuck - more often than ever before. I want her to lay back and enjoy it, and, without the unwritten expectation of dominance from me, I hope that she will be able to. I wish to turn her on sexually in ways that neither of us are familiar with, and for her to enjoy the journey. I also feel more able to initiate, and less rejected when I get turned down due to work/fatigue/generally not being in the mood.

I will still refer to myself as ‘owned’ and as her ‘little girl’. I feel that I am. But I also think of myself as an owner, a mother, and, most importantly, a spouse. As a submissive – and by this I mean a person who wishes to give up control of their body and mind occasionally - I am now free to see what more the big bad world has to offer. So bring it ;)

Monday 13 February 2012

Self Domination

I often refer to myself as someone who ‘self-dominates’. I think that this is something that most driven, ambitious people must do to some extent, but am unsure as to exactly how such people go about this. I create imaginary characters that act as my dominant in various situations. These change over time, with some coming out more often than others at various stages in my life, but they have always been there. I have three primary inner dominants:

1. Nanny

My nanny was the first character that I created. I think that she has been with me since I was around 4 or 5 years old – around the same time that I started tying myself up. She is a strict Mary Poppins. She looks after my basic needs. She makes sure that I get to bed on time, that I stay in my bed and relax (of course, sometimes she ties me down), that I eat all of my dinner and that I take my medicines. She is also well versed in all medical maladies, to which she usually takes a ‘stop your complaining, you will be fine’ approach.  She believes that there is very little that cannot be cured with a brisk walk in the cold.  She is a very loving character, though she sets very rigid boundaries. Her primary form of punishment is disappointment, though she will occasionally withdraw treats too.

2. The Schoolmaster

The Schoolmaster is responsible for ensuring my continued success at work. He does not have a nice side – like my other inner dominants, he allows Nanny to issue rewards. He is a fan of micro-management and rigid structure, and often sets me tasks (such as ‘finish writing this paragraph’) with time windows as short as 10 minutes.  His favorite threats are to tie me to the desk until I finish, to withdraw internet access, and to make me work longer hours or give me a ‘detention’ if I do not do as well as I should. Sometimes, if he feels that harsher treatment is necessary, he refers me to The Sergeant for punishment.

3. The Sergeant 

The Sergeant takes care of my physical fitness, and is responsible for dishing out harsh punishments: The other characters tend to refer to him for severe offenses. He is a sadist, and loves to dish out a beasting. As he does so, he is constantly shouting encouragement in my ear and reminding me of the fact that he will make me repeat the exercise if I fail to complete it. Of course, this very rarely happens because he knows my limits and how to push them just the right amount. Once I have finished the exercise, he rarely offers any congratulations. He always expects me to finish, regardless of how much it hurts. If I am having a bad day, then he will refer me to Nanny.


There are a couple of other characters that come out every so often, including The Dietician, The Head Doctor and The Housemistress, however they are less well defined and their presence is more fleeting than the other characters. They all, however, help me to manage my life and I couldn’t be without them.

At some points during my life, the people with whom I have been in a relationship with have tried to take on some of the roles of these characters. However, the characters have always remained with me. I would like to integrate them with my submission, but, given how well my internal dominants know me, it is incredibly difficult to externalize them. Instead, the character takes on the voice of the person to whom I am submitting. Lilith, for example, makes a particularly good Schoolmaster and he often takes on her voice.

So, there we go. I have admitted it – I am a fully-grown adult with imaginary friends who regularly discipline me.  I hear voices in my head. But I don’t think there is any need to call the men in white coats just yet (well, there is, but that is for totally different reasons). It is just my way of talking myself through life. A way in which I am able to dominate myself. And a pretty successful one thus far I think.

Sunday 12 February 2012

How Do You Create Submission?


If you were directed here from my twitter feed, where I entitled this post ‘I am no longer a masochist’, I’m afraid I was lying. I am still a masochist, in that I still get these kinds of feelings from pain. However, my cravings for heavy pain/fear/other extreme play have all but disappeared.

They have been replaced by a very strong craving for a very specific feeling – that of submission. Okay, so I have been craving that feeling all along, but I think I have finally put my finger on exactly what I mean by that. I want to be able to lose myself through doing exactly what I am asked without thought. I want to be what some people call a ‘twue sub’. 

I can explain this far more clearly through example. When I first started exploring, I played regularly with a very competent dominant. There was one incident in which I made her a cup of tea with milk that had gone off. She looked at me and, with an incredibly intense tone of calm, she told me that if I expected her to drink it, it was only fair that I should drink it too. She instructed me to go to the kitchen and pour myself a half-pint sized glass of milk. I hate the taste of milk at the best of times, and sour milk is nauseating. But, without even thinking about it, I raised the glass to my lips. She stopped me just before the milk hit my tongue. I was in such a deeply submissive place that my dislike of milk was totally irrelevant. In another incident, I was playing with her and another of her submissive partners. I was desperate for a wee, and she told me that I had to hold it in until we had got dinner. She then sent the other girl and I to pick up a take-away. The girl was incredibly surprised when I didn’t go to the loo in the restaurant. I was really bursting, but the thought hadn’t occurred to me to do that. I had just accepted the instruction. I did not need to think about it, just to take it in and accept it.

As yet, I’m not sure what it is that gets me to that place, but I suspect that there are two key things. Firstly, a calm, gentle yet authoritative approach by the dominant. I don’t think that pain is the key. Of course, pain play can be part of the entire scene, but I am starting to believe that the use of pain and fear as a mechanism by which to make me feel submissive actually has the opposite effect and makes me angry. Secondly, a protocol based approach with incredibly clear instructions that leave very little open to interpretation. Such as ‘go and fetch a half pint glass of water and return to the position that you are currently in.’ Being left to work out what is expected of me when I am in that submissive state risks pulling me straight back out of it. There have been two occasions of late, with two separate people, when I have had a glimpse of the deeply submissive feeling, and both had these things in common.

So what stops the ‘rules’ being broken? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing aside from my desire to be good. To not break the magic. To be the submissive. Of course there still have to be enforced boundaries, such as those laid out in both the gone-off-milk incident and the protocol play I have previously written about. But I don’t want to push these boundaries. I want to embrace them. I no longer wish to resist. It does not lead to the happy place.

Tuesday 31 January 2012

Kinky Wish List 2012


Last time I reviewed my kink desires was back in 2010. And now, having settled into a stable relationship, I am starting to think again about exactly what I want to try from this point forwards. It is interesting to note just how many of the things on my last list have now been 'ticked off', and how much more scope for exploration I still feel that there is in every single one of them. However, the further that I delve into the world of kink, the more opportunity that I find out there. So, here it is - my kinky wishlist for 2012 - built from the foundations of my previous list and the fun that followed its publication. There is, of course, a not-very-subtle tone of suggestion in this post – readers, please get in touch!

1.   A scene in which I can submit alongside Lilith, without her needing to take a dominant role. There are some very specific requirements for this scene. Most notably, I would like to feel that I can do nothing to prevent what is happening to her, whilst being kept masterfully occupied with my own torture/pleasure.
2.   To explore heavy protocol play further. To engage in play that I truly believe is not for my pleasure – I am a mere tool in a game.
3.   Roleplay. So far, this is something that I have only dabbled in. However, it featured very heavily in the fantasies of my youth and I would like to create some fairly in-depth play based around certain characters that have always formed the basis of my ability to self-dominate. Schoolgirl, prisoner, patient, child with a nanny, trainee soldier being beasted, kidnap victim… The list is many and varied. However, I would particularly like to explore the role of Tommy further.
4.   Being a big kid. I would like to explore simply being little. Making dens, building fires, playing games, dressing up. I would like to be able to feel a little less inhibited sometimes.
5.   To incorporate a little more discipline into my play. I enjoy being disciplined – I enjoy the feelings of safety that boundaries give me. However, I first need to find a set of punishments that work! I suspect that this is intrinsically linked to my mindset during play though, and may be linked to #2.
6.   To be a party piece.
7.   To indulge in much more wet and messy play. I have discovered that I have a BIG fetish for this, in all of its most disgusting forms. I would particularly like to explore this in humiliating contexts.
8.   To find out how to cry through humiliation. I desperately crave humiliation, but have very little shame. This is slightly problematic, but I remain faithful that there must be something that will work. I just need to explore some more.
9.   To indulge in more medical play. I do not do anywhere near enough of it.
10. To play outside more often. I am not sure why, but outdoor play is always more intense and reaches a deeper place within me.
11. To get tied up more often. I miss the feeling of rope wrapped tightly around my flesh.
12. To further explore the idea of being a submissive with a cock.
13. To explore all of the small, subtle things that turn me on and the variety of ways in which they can be used. A hand on my throat, a gentle stroke of a hand between my legs whilst wearing lacey knickers, a fist in my hair…
14. To make love to Lilith more often. To explore my deep, carnal urge to be inside of her. To belong totally to her, as her equal as well as her submissive.

 
I think that most of this list can be summarised by one simple desire: I wish to find new ways of letting go and losing myself in play. Ways of convincing my brain to just accept what is happening, without putting up any defensive barriers. To return to my extremely deeply submissive roots. 

Any takers?

Sunday 29 January 2012

The Mysterious Disappearance of The Brat


Approximately this time last year, I was writing a lot about my quest for submission. I wanted to be able to submit naturally to someone, without feeling that I had to be a brat. Much of this desire was based upon a play relationship that I had during my first explorations in kink back in 2009. This relationship was based largely upon protocol and rules. I have never quite been able to work out why this worked so well back then. Why was I so compliant? Why did I have to little desire to push the boundaries in the excessive way that I do now? I was, as many like to call it, the 'uber-sub'. I was well trained, obedient and proud to be that way.

Of late, I have been thinking a lot about those first few months. About how such a simple set of well enforced rules made me feel so submissive. About just how deep a place that form of submission touched. And I have been wanting to go back to my roots and try it again. The problem is, it is very difficult to find someone who is capable of consistently dishing out the regimented, strict routine that I was so lucky to find in those first months.

It was with some trepidation, therefore, that I sent an email to someone with whom I have been playing agreeing to do some protocol based play. However, when I received a reply asking me to bring some high heeled shoes suitable for wearing naked, my curiosity and anticipation won me over.

So, there I was, sat on a busy tube train, attempting as best as I could to follow instructions by masturbating unnoticed, my brain creating all sorts of ideas about what may happen when I stepped through the door to his house. What did happen was all very civilised – a glass of wine and cuddles. After 15 minutes or so, he looked at me and asked me to strip as he watched. Usually, I don’t feel uncomfortable doing this, but I did feel very slightly coy since it was so sudden and so out of context. One minute I was sitting drinking wine, the next I was naked (save for my high heels) and kneeling at his feet.

I remained in this position as he – extremely calmly but with an unquestionable air of authority – explained that he was going to teach me to submit. That everything that I did was going to be for no other reason than because He asked it. And that my enjoyment was going to be found simply through letting go, forgetting about myself and focussing solely on him. I was entitled to expressing only pain, want/desire and pleasure. All of my other thoughts and emotions were to be inconsequential. In order to help me feel this, he placed a play collar around my neck and instructed me that, whilst I was wearing it, I was to keep my eyes downcast at all times. A sudden twist of my nipples acted to demonstrate how I would be reminded of that rule should I forget.

To make his point absolutely clear, he quickly led me upstairs and strapped me over a bench. I was pleasantly taken aback by how well he had restrained me – and how helpless I therefore was to his ministrations. He didn’t go gently on me, but he did masterfully give me moments to catch my breath thus allowing me to take some quite intense pain without feeling too much pleasure from it. This was a demonstration of punishment and the power contained within it, and it very definitely worked. I didn’t have any space left in my overwhelmed brain to contemplate disobedience.

Back downstairs, he ran me through some basic positions: 3 on my knees, 3 standing, 2 squatting (including the ‘slaves kiss’, which turned out to be rather painful) and 3 lying down. Then a further three forms of movement. I was expected to commit them all, along with their names, to memory in a very short space of time. If I got something wrong, even the tiniest detail, then there would be a sudden burst of pain. One of the forms of movement proved particularly difficult for me – mainly because it made me feel ridiculous – and he therefore took great joy in making me repeat it over and over until I got it perfect.

When he was satisfied that I knew all of the positions, he said that I deserved a break. He instructed me to go and get a bottle of wine and a glass jug out of the fridge. Suddenly, I realised that this was the real test. A test of just how deeply I had fallen into the submissive mindframe. I poured him a glass of wine first, before pouring some of the contents of the jug of piss into my glass. Then he stopped me – his glass was fuller than mine. So I topped mine up. And I drank it. The whole thing. I have to admit that this may have been due to the promise that the nipple clamps would be removed once we had finished drinking, but he kept filling me up again until he had finished his wine. I think I ended up drinking three full glasses. But not once did the thought of disobeying cross my mind. I had really embraced the fact that I was doing it for him – it was not my place to think, just to do. And I really did get huge satisfaction from ‘just doing’ – I didn’t need to worry about his reactions, I could let go of my inhibitions.

I was thoroughly rewarded for my good work with a very hard beating and fucking (I have discovered that combining the two is a recipe for instant subspace). But, if I am honest, I didn’t really need the reward. I haven’t felt that submissive feeling for a very long time, and it was incredibly intense, satisfying and special. I think that it is time for me to let go of my brat and just let things happen. Just accept. Let myself get to that happy, uninhibited space without fear. With the right kind of constant, consistent mental stimulation (I think that that is the key), it can happen.

Thursday 26 January 2012

Tommy (And His Manhood)


What with it being a New Year, I have been putting a lot of thought recently into how my kinks have evolved over time, and what kinds of sticky scenarios I hope to find myself in over the next few months. I am sure that I will post the customary list in due course, but for now I want to focus on one very specific one - formerly referred to as 'little one'.

I have decided that my 'little one' is a boy. At least, that is what he wants everyone to think. He behaves like a boy, dresses like a boy, and refers to himself as 'him', but is missing one important part of his anatomy. He is only eight, so he doesn't really find that this bothers him too much. He is called Tommy (bonus points to anyone who can work out why). I have been craving intense humiliation as part of my play for a long time now, and I think that, through roleplay as Tommy, I may finally be able to find it. At this point I think that, as a disclaimer, I should highlight that I am talking about roleplay between consenting adults.

As Tommy, I could use forced feminisation as a form of humiliation. Tommy HATES dresses, especially pink frilly ones, and being made to dress as a girl would mortify him. Particularly the fact that his body would reveal that he is secretly enjoying it. And, of course, someone else discovering how much his body is enjoying it would be even more mortifying because he doesn’t have the anatomy that one would expect of a boy. Tommy would therefore never tell anyone anything about what may happen, and there are all sorts of naughty possibilities…

Recently, Lilith and I created a scene in which my inner little girl discovered her male tendencies. Rather than taking the parental role, Lilith became my older brother who I walked in on whilst he was trying on female underwear. We made it into a very innocent game of dress-up. I helped my brother to become a girl, and he helped me to become a boy. I found this process of transformation hugely exciting.

The thing that surprised me most was my reaction when the time came to give me a cock. We used a realistic looking strap-on, which I wore underneath my shorts. This, plus the way in which my boobs were strapped to my chest, made me fall very deeply into the role of Tommy.

The scene then progressed into something more sexual, and I consequently withdrew from being a young Tommy and reverted to being my submissive self. However, I still really enjoyed the feeling of the strap-on. People often associate strap-ons with dominance, however I found that, whilst playing with Lilith, the opposite was true. I was using it to give her pleasure, whilst at the same time engaging in my gender-bending fantasies. For a long time, I have felt an urge to truly ‘make love’ to her – to be inside her – and this may be the way forward.

Of course, nothing works perfectly the first time, and we did struggle slightly with the power dynamics within the scene. Grown up Tommy would very much like to explore the sexual side of the play more. In fact, I’m not even sure that that is Tommy – I think that may need resolving. Regardless, I would like to be a submissive with a cock sometimes.

However, the most pertinent conclusion that I came to following that scene was that I would like to enter far more deeply into the role of Tommy as a little boy. A boisterous little boy who can go and make dens and dig holes and collect frogspawn and stick insects – who can fully immerse himself into innocent childhood and forget about the adult world before coming home to his Mummy for cuddles and love. But also a little boy with a pretend cock who is horribly abused by his very own ‘wicked Uncle Ernie’ for being such.

Here’s to a gender confused 2012!