Every so often, something very magical happens when I play with Doc. It is something that, in my 5 years of kinky play before meeting him, I had never really experienced. With him, every time we play we go in on an almost equal footing - neither has absolute dominance over the other. However, with me being the masochist and him the sadist, and with him being physically much much stronger than myself, it doesn't take long before I am fighting to keep control. This fight is usually (but not always) physical, me struggling against his restraint until he can get me pinned down. Then he starts to hurt me. Mentally, I fight against the pain, not allowing it to break me. When I have played with others, this challenge has been enough. I enjoy the sensation of the pain and I can lose myself in it, even become a little floaty. I love this kind of play. However, with Doc, things go one step further. Eventually, I feel myself giving into the pain. My body goes limp, suddenly I give in. I allow him to control the pain, I stop fighting it and let him dictate everything that happens to my body - I put up no resistance. Feeling able to do this is one of the most exhilerating feelings there is. When it happens, I cry. Not the kind of tears where I am panting for breath, trying to fight through them, but the kind where I allow them to flow silently down my face. Tears of trust and love.
Play with Doc is, and always will be, special. I have not found anyone else who is able to give me this feeling of surrender following a fight, or who can control the endorphins that I feel with quite such an artistic flourish. I give up control of all of my physical senses when I play with him, and it is one of the most incredible, liberating feelings I know.
Before I discovered this, my experiences of giving up control have been in a submissive, rather than masochistic, context. They have consequently been a result of a definite decision rather than a subconcious reaction to a combination of endorphines and feeling safe. They have also felt somehow incomplete - my concious self has always been in control of the ways in which I give up control, and it has always been a logical process. As a result of this, I have always felt that my submissive self has been missing out on something. I want that feeling of naturally giving up control that I get from Doc, but in a different context. The exact feeling that I am referring to here is extremely difficult to explain, not least because I am not really sure of it myself. I think I mean that I want to give up control over what happens to me, rather than just my physical senses. To not have to think about or accept responsibility for what I want or what is happening at any moment in time, but to focus instead on someone else. Doc and I call this my 'uber-sub' side - it is definitely something that could happen to me naturally and that I crave.
I have struggled a lot to feed this craving, and also to supress it. Initially, I wanted this dynamic to happen with Doc because I trusted him so much. But, firstly, he doesn't feel comfortable in that role and I don't think that it would work well within our relationship. Secondly, he is male, and, as hard as I try, I assume that, by choosing to be submissive to a man, I am making a stupid mistake that I have made once in the past. It makes me feel like a weak person. I have tried to rediscover my submissive self with a few other people (particularly Bunches), but, for one reason or another, it has either felt too forced and artificial (that bit about it being a logical process as opposed to a sunconcious decision), I have lacked the necessary trust, or I just have not been able to make myself feel submissive to that person. I had therefore decided that it wasn't really possible, at least not without causing hurt to myself or others.
But, last week, something VERY surprising happened. I lay on a bed and let Lilith tie my wrists and ankles to a bed and flog me, without fighting her off. Initially, I thought that this would be the kind of play that I spoke about earlier, the kind where I enjoy the sensations of the pain that make me go all floaty. But then she accidently crossed a limit by catching my cheek with the tip of the flogger. Usually, this would make me go slightly crazy with panic and completely break down the scene. However, it didn't. Instead, and all within a split second, somewhere deep in my subconcious told me that I knew that I was safe and that she could do anything that she wanted to me. Without thinking about it or making a concious decision to do so, I gave up responsibility for myself. And I got the same reaction as I get with Doc - slow, gentle, freely flowing tears.
I should really point out that this revelation was not as sudden as I have just made it sound - the 'uber-sub' feeling has been building in me around Lilith for quite a while now. I think that this has been particularly aided by her ability to make me feel 'little', which gives me a new framework within which to feel safe and submissive. After the flogging, I spent a good few days around her and the submissive feeling, although not always obvious, was constantly present to some degree.
From here on in, I am in uncharted territory. Every time I play with Doc, the feeling of letting go and the associated tears get more and more intense, and the afterglow is more and more wonderful. With Lilith, I feel compelled to give up control in a completely different way, allowing her to make decisions for me and to assess what I need, feeling pain and humiliation as something that she controls rather than as a sensation for my own pleasure. I have no idea how these two very different dynamics are going to develop, but, scary as the latter (and newer) is, I can't wait to find out.
