I know that I have been blogging a lot around the theme of submission and ownership recently, but it is something that has, somewhat unexpectedly, been playing on my mind over the past few months.
The feeling of being owned is one that I crave and always have done. I have always distanced myself from responsibility for my own actions. When I was little, I would create imaginary characters who would look after me, discipline me, give me boundaries and make sure that I did the things that were best for me. I have now absorbed those characters into my own psychie, but they are still very much present. They make sure that I am happy, content and moving in the right direction in life, and they correct me when I'm not. If I am feeling down or tired, this ability is hindered and I start to feel lost and unmotivated in the absence of my self-set boundaries. So I do my best to maintain them as much as possible.
It is very rare that I feel able to 'submit' to a person, rather than just 'bottom'. For me, a major component of the submissive feeling that I crave is being able to hand over my own internal 'dominant' to someone else. This is a very dangerous thing to do, since my ability to self-manage in this way defines who I am in many ways. Once someone else has access to this, I become extremely vulnerable.
Even more problematic is the fact that it is just not possible for someone to fulfill the same role as do myself. They would need to know what I am doing and how I am feeling 24-7, and to micro-manage it. However, in order to fulfill my needs, I need to alow someone else to take the role of my self-regulator at least some of the time, for some aspects of my life. This means that I stop controlling myself so much, and the boundaries that I need to feel actually slacken. This is a particular problem when I am alone and tired, as this is when I need the boundaries the most. Without them, I feel lost, small, and my self confidence falls. I therefore become very clingy towards the dominant, whom I know is able to re-impose those boundaries. I have to control this clinginess because it is enough to drive anyone nuts, and therefore have a tendancy to isolate myself and become very introverted. This is also a mode of self-preservation - the idea of being that dependent on another to pick me up and reinstate the boundaries that I need is a) not clever and b) really scary.
What I really want is to have someone understand all of the little idiosyncracies within my mind - the ways in which I dominate myself from within, when and how I am strict with myself and how I motivate myself - and use them to form their own set of boundaries which will allow me to develop in a protected environment. Without the aid of telepathy and a person who is capable of doing this yet has no life of their own, this is impossible. I therefore need to find a balance between my own inner dominant and my external one; one that doesn't make me want to go and hibernate when I have had a tiring day. This is a problem that I have been trying to solve for around 5 years now, and it seems that the closer I get to finding what I want from someone else, the further I get from being able to balance that with my need for endless control.
I strongly suspect that this is a relatively uncommon problem, and I know that it is not easily rectified. I also suspect that, for those who don't know me well, this post made very little sense. But I would be very interested to hear from anyone who does empathise, and am very open to suggestions for dealing with this.
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