Discipline and Punishment

As part of my growing exploration of my inner submissive, I have recently realised that one of the things that I really crave from a dominant is discipline. I am quite competent at self disciplining, allowing myself treats when I have done something that I am proud of and getting incredibly angry with myself and making myself feel guilty when I don't. But the problem with self disciplining is that, when I am having a bad day or feeling lazy, it doesn't work. I am good at talking myself out of things and making excuses. I then get annoyed with myself, which makes me feel awful and creates a Catch 22 situation. So, a few weeks ago, I asked Lilith whether she would start to take on some small parts of my inner disciplinarian. I knew that I would probably try to bend the rules, finding where there can be wriggle room, but I also hoped that, with her in charge, the wriggle room would be limited and I wouldn't get away with my usual excuse-making tricks.

This isn't the first time that I have tried to do this with a partner. In the past, it has never worked. The rules have always been established on their terms, and I have rapidly grown to resent them. Consequently, I did everything I could to rebel against them, and always succeeded. The punishments that were delivered didn't phase me at all, and acted more as an encouragement than a deterrent. I really enjoyed being punished, be that physically or emotionally. It made me feel powerful - punishment was a signal that I had executed a successful rebellion. Although I was hoping that the same wouldn't apply this time, I was expecting it all to fall flat again.

Unlike previous attempts, all of my rules are set by myself following discussion with Lilith. They are pretty simple, and based around my life goals. I must ask permission before eating sweets or chocolate and do some form of exersize at least 3 times a week. Because these simple things are a) achievable and b) things that will directly benefit myself, I actually want to follow them. The first few weeks therefore went very well. But, as always, I eventually got to the point where I needed to test the boundaries and regain control through rebellion. So I sent a message saying that I wasn't going out for a run. Then, later, another requesting biscuits. The response was that I could only have biscuits if I had been for a run. I kept pushing, but Lilith stuck her ground and eventually I just ate them anyway, despite having not persuaded her to say yes. Quite a small thing, but rather significant in terms of shattering the dynamic of the relationship.

The reaction was strong, and pretty much what I expected. A restriction on communication (I was ignored for a period of about 12 hours) and a rather too large number of strokes with a strop (I HATE belts and strops with a passion, and not in the good way). In the past, I would have shrugged a punishment like this off easily, and I was expecting to do the same here. But it really got to me. I felt annoyed that I had broken our agreement, and I could feel that she was genuinely angry, which I really don't like. She was using the fact that my punishment was also impacting on her against me, and it worked. She asked me to try to stop myself floating off into masochistic space as she beat me, but rather to stay in the room and experience the pain as pain. In the past I would have ignored this, but in this case I really wanted to make right and tried incredibly hard to do this. I wasn't 100% successful, but that is not the point. I really genuinely wanted to show that I was accepting the punishment as punishment.

It would be a lie to say that I didn't enjoy the process. Not only did I enjoy the imposition of rules and boundaries, but I also enjoyed the emotional masochism. I am still not convinced that this will continue to act as a deterrent for a long period of time, because I know that I have the ability to enjoy it if I want to. However, I have also seen the other side - the much more effective, unpleasant side. I can now choose how this will go forward. Either I can take the whole thing as I have done before, do as I like and enjoy the punishments, which will ultimately ruin the dynamic that we have worked hard to create. Or I can do as I have already started to do. I recognise that I do not need to rebel because it doesn't benefit me. I know that I can't talk my way out of my rules, and I don't want to. And I know that punishment CAN be unpleasant, and that, by accepting it as genuine punishment rather than a reward, I can experience it in a way that I do not enjoy.

It frustrates me that I have to make this decision, but I think that it is unavoidable. Like anything in ds, if I wish for something to happen then I must consent to it. In this case, if I wish to experience discipline I must allow myself to be moulded by rules and punishments rather than to see them as a challenge to be beaten. I am rather worried that I won't be able to do it and will slip back into my old ways. But I know that I don't want to. And that I will want to be reminded of this blog and disciplined appropriately if I do!