This weekend, I have switched between many different facets of my kinky personality. On Friday night, I was a slightly pushy submissive. On Saturday, I was trying to be uber - sub, and I went into a very deep, personal space in which I am a toy who does not move or speak without being asked to first. I then switched into brat mode, playing up and trying to get as much attention as possible, desperate to pick a fight with Doc. I also had a brief moment of wanting to be controlled by someone but not quite giving up my defenses, feeling that I had to maintain control of the situation even though I was essentially taking the role of 'bottom'. On Sunday, I took on a role somewhere between domme and sub - I was acting in a fairly dominant way towards someone under the watchful eye of Doc, who I knew could take control instantly if and when he wanted to. I am very comfortable with the first three scenarios, and am happy to flit between them fairly nonchalantly to a certain extent. The latter two situations are far newer to me - they require me to be in a very unfamiliar top/domme headspace.
Taking the dominant role is something that I have wanted to try for a while. I quite frequently find myself thinking up scenarios that could work, or wanting to say things or look at people in a certain way to make them feel submissive to me. Although neither of the things that happened this weekend saw me being totally in charge, I still felt that I was taking on this new role. At the time, it was fun. It wasn't amazingly mind blowing, but it kept me amused despite a slightly nagging feeling of wishing that I was in the submissive shoes. Weirdly, it was also a completely asexual experience for me. When I am submissive, I get horny. I don't necessarily need sex because pain, humiliation, etc tend to spark a sexual response in me anyway. But as a top, I didn't feel horny in the slightest. I could have got a similar response in myself from completing a logic puzzle.
The aftermath of my attempts at dominance, however, were extremely intense. Since Sunday evening, I have been struck with a really deep sense of self loathing. I have felt angry and frustrated, and have repeatedly lost my temper at the smallest, most insignificant things. I have wanted to cry for no reason, and felt feeble and pathetic. I thought that I was having a funny five minutes, until Doc pointed out that this was EXACTLY how I felt last time I decided to try to top anyone. It seems to be the way that I react to being given control over someone, and I do not like it.
I am now desperately trying to understand this reaction, but I just can't get my head around it. Bunches has suggested to me that I somehow disengage from my sexuality when I top. However, I have never felt any kind of sexual dynamic with anyone without an accompanying feeling of giving up control on my part. So how can I disengage with a sexuality that I never had in the first place? Perhaps I am only able to engage with my sexuality when I am feeling submissive? But then why would that make me so angry and depressed when I take the opposite role?
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