I have recently
returned from a magical week in Austria with Lilith. The holiday turned out to be a bit of a turning point in my kink journey (in
more ways than one – see forthcoming post entitled ‘was I raped by a hot
Austrian masseur’), and indeed in my relationship with Lilith. In short, I am
no longer her submissive. I have removed my collar and am a free willed kinkster
once again.
This does not mean that we no longer wish
to be together – far from it. Rather, it means that we have come to a
realisation that we should have come to a long time ago – that Lilith does not
really want to be on top, and that I don’t really want her role in my life to
be as the dominant. When we fell in love, it was not because of anything kinky
(although, admittedly, it was kink that threw us together in the first place).
She is, and always has been, my adventure buddy, life companion, security
blanket and closest friend first and my dominant second. I want to take care of
her as much as she does me, and we are truly both equals in the relationship.
We both have our own lives, our own universes, and they have a symbiotic
relationship. They are not in competition, and one does not need to dominate
the other. Being in such a relationship is somewhat new to me, and anyone who
knows Lilith will realise that it isn’t exactly familiar, comfortable territory
for her either. But it is infinitely better than any other kink-based
relationship that I’ve ever been in. It somehow feels more substantial, more
homely, more real.
Of course, we are both still kinky people
and our kinky desires have not disappeared. But by finally admitting to each
other that we do not fulfill those roles in each others’ lives, we are now able
to explore fully without feeling tied to the other by guilt. Through admitting
the truth, I feel that a huge burden has been lifted. I had been struggling to
force myself into a submissive role when I could see that she didn’t really
want to give back as the dominant. Now, I don’t need to. We can go off and play
as two submissive girls, both together and separately.
This does somewhat change my answer to the
question ‘what are you looking for?’ I truly have come full circle, and am
looking for something that I had when I first started exploring six years ago.
I want someone/several people with whom I can have regular, no-strings-attached
play. I do not want to be forced to submit through pain or force, but rather to
choose to submit. I want someone who understands that my submission will always
be separate to my loving relationship (although I do understand that, in order
to get what I crave, the relationship cannot be completely emotionally
detached). I want to be able to go somewhere for a couple of sessions a month
where I can totally lose myself in that kind of submission without feeling the
need to build the relationship any further than that of friends (or even, dare
I say it, of dom/sub). A big ask, perhaps, but I don’t think it is impossible.
I have come across several dominants that would like the same thing from a
submissive. Sadly, with these people, the timing has never been right. But there must be more out there. I
just need to find them.
So what about my play with Lilith? She is
still a sadist, and I still a masochist, and we fit well in that respect. I am
hoping for many happy hours spent together in our dungeon in the future, and I
have a big list of things that I would still like to do with her. But this will
be as, when and if we both feel like it. And it will be nothing more than play
that turns us both on. Neither of us will be forced into roles that do not fit.
Sexually, I am more turned on by her now than ever before. Now that I know that
I am not bound by my submissive role, I somehow feel that I am entitled to wish
to ravish her sometimes. I am finding that I am getting the urge to play with
her body - to lick, stroke, suck and fuck - more often than ever before. I want
her to lay back and enjoy it, and, without the unwritten expectation of
dominance from me, I hope that she will be able to. I wish to turn her on
sexually in ways that neither of us are familiar with, and for her to enjoy the
journey. I also feel more able to initiate, and less rejected when I get turned
down due to work/fatigue/generally not being in the mood.
I will still refer to myself as ‘owned’ and
as her ‘little girl’. I feel that I am. But I also think of myself as an owner,
a mother, and, most importantly, a spouse. As a submissive – and by this I mean
a person who wishes to give up control of their body and mind occasionally - I
am now free to see what more the big bad world has to offer. So bring it ;)
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