Changes

*Originally written 27th May 2010. This was written as an emotional rant to myself, and refers to the ways in which I have changed since a kinky relationship went wrong (something which I will blog about later).

'Ive got this image. I imagine a huge cliff-top in a world of darkness. Above the cliff there's a tribe of cave dwellers, who keep a fire burning in the mouth of the cave. The fire lights up the cave, but obscures everything outside. The cave-dwellers wonder what's outside, but are afraid to leave the safety of the cave and eventually forget outside altogether and take the cave for the whole world. But a few crawl out onto the dark cliff-top, inching forward, feeling for the Edge. Because edges define. Think about it. How can you picture a thing if you can't see it's edges?

'There are always people who go beyond the everyday. Mystics, shamans, meditators, scientists, artists, mountaineers, acid-freaks, masochists, perverts...but its interesting that shamans say you need to confront fear of you want knowledge. That's what I think. It's fear that holds most people back from exploring the universe around them. That just seems such a waste to me. 'If I've got an aim in life, I guess that's it - to find the Edge.'

A reworking of Plato's Allegory of the Cave. Taken from 'The Gringo Trail' - a true story by Mark Mann.

I had to log into an old profile for the first time in nearly 18 months to find where I had saved this quote. I have now deleted the profile, but I had to save this one remnant of it. I used to love it; it's not the most eloquent piece of writing in the world, but I thought that it summed up my life. I used to be the kind of person that would take every opportunity I was offered, I was always curious about new experiences and I was very spontaneous. I had a close group of friends and lots of acquaintances who I would go out and do crazy things with. If I had a day to spare, I would always go off and do something. Anything, I didn't really care what. I know it sounds ridiculously cliché and romantic, but that is really how I was. And, I admit it, I loved myself. Sometimes to the point of complete arrogance, but at least I had the confidence to say 'I'm going to do this, I don't give a fuck what you think about me I'm just going to enjoy it.' I was the person who walked into the party wearing the most ridiculous outfit and who everyone laughed at, and I loved it.

Since I posted that quote 2 years ago, I feel like I have completely lost touch with the person I just described. More often than not, I reject opportunities because I'm worried about money, or the fact that I might be leaving someone else out, or I just don't have the time. If I have a day off, I am likely to spend it in bed curled up with a film. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved doing that, but I do it far too often now. I have turned lazy in my old age. It sounds geeky, but I used to write journals and keep scrapbooks – now I don't have much to write in them. And its awful that I just used the phrase 'it sounds geeky but...' – there was a point when I really wouldn't have given a shit if it was geeky or not. Although I am still very close to my friends, the other people who I used to go out with have slowly fallen out of my life, and my social life dropped off.

It has been suggested to me that all of this was depression, and maybe it was. I don't know, and right now I don't care what it was because I am slowly starting to snap out of it. Gradually, I am beginning to get back to how I once was. Ok, maybe a little less naive and, sadly, a little older and with more responsibility, but I am getting there. Its so bloody frustrating, because I can't just 'snap out of it.' I find myself feeling like I want to get out and do something crazy, I want to be that person who is 'trying to find the edge', but I can't quite remember how to do it. I am so desperate to wake up one day and just be able to go FUCK YOU WORLD and go out and do exactly what I want to do and enjoy every minute of it. I know its coming, and soon. I'm slowly building up to it. So beware!!!

I just re-read that, with the promise that, since it was a rambling of my thoughts, I wasn't going to edit any of it. My god it sounds self indulgent! But that's it, that's the last time I get like that. Suddenly, just by writing this, I feel all empowered. That's the first time that I have written anything down like that in a very long time, and it feels damn good. And slightly strange as well. I hide this from people. There are a few that know, but not many. I've just realised that, in putting all of this into black and white, I have done exactly what I wanted to. FUCK YOU WORLD, THIS IS ME. DEAL WITH IT!