Sentimental Violence

*Originally written 31st October 2010*

I very rarely write anything that is all sentimental, but my brain is a little bit floopy today and so if this turns out to be really sickening, then I apologise. 

I think that I should start with some background. A few days prior to this, I had played with a very lovely lady. Through no fault of her own, it had gone a little bit wrong. I'm not going to go into the details here, other than to say that the play involved some slightly edgy punching which made me a little angry at the time and left me in a bit of a negative space afterwards. After this, I was feeling a little aprehensive about going out to AntiChrist and playing on Friday (but extremely excited nevertheless).

I put a lot of effort into my outfit, partly because I wanted a project. I decided that the most appropriate outfit to wear to a goth-fet crossover club on Halloween was that of a virginal angel. I felt sexy and stunning. I played for a short while with a wonderfully sadistic woman who left me with some delicious scratches and promises of an evil violet wand (which I still need to cash in on). Then, finally, after a good few months since we had last played with each other alone and properly, I got led to a bench by my boyfriend. He wrestled me to the floor, cut my wings off and threw my halo away. He stripped me of my virginal white underwear. Then he lifted me to the bench and cuffed my legs down (I think so that I couldn't kick him in the face - he knows me well!). Having symbolically torn away my mythical innocence, he began hurting me fairly gently by his standards. Already sensitive from the earlier play, I was quite quick to drop into a bit of a euphoric state. Then he got harder. I can't remember what he was using, but it was either a cane or his evil flogger, and it hurt. So, being me, I wriggled and screamed. After that point, I don't remember much of what happened. I know that there was lots of hard punching. At one point I think I was thrown to the floor and kicked between the legs. It was the same kind of edgy play that went so wrong earlier this week. And I reacted in a similar way - anger built up within me. But this time, I felt like the anger was pointless. I knew I was safe. I was able to get totally lost in it, the helpless feeling slowly overcoming me. That is the first time that I have become spacey from that kind of play. I was in tears and he still didn't stop, and it just got more and more intense. I was still fighting back, but it was feeble and pointless and I was floating. Normally, that kind of play would freak me out but this didn't at all. I knew that it was safe and controlled and all for my pleasure as opposed to being an angry attack on me (that is NOT what happened earlier that week, but it has happened in the past which is why I sometimes get scared and why I reacted like I did in the previous play). I felt extremely loved, and I got quite emotional about it. I think that I was crying more because of the fact that I felt this overwhelming sense of belonging than because I was in pain.

Later, I found out that this particular session did not feel as wonderful for him as it did for me. In fact, he felt incredibly frustrated and wound up with the crowds in the club and was taking it out on me a little bit. Normally, I would have flipped at this. But, again, I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to. I knew that he felt horrible about it, that it wasn't his intention and that, whatever happened, I was safe. Bizarrely, knowing how he felt took nothing away from how special it was for me. As I hugged him, I felt all of those things that people tell you that you are supposed to feel about your boyfriend but I had never experienced in the past - pride, an overwhelming sense of wellbeing, a giggly, childish happiness, and a feeling of belonging. On top of that, I felt physical pain at the thought that he didn't enjoy what he had done and that I had caused him to feel guilty. Ridiculous, I know, but that is how I felt. I am still slightly overwhelmed by it all - both the play and the aftermath. I wish that he could feel how I felt about that session, because for me it was one of the most amazing play experiences that I have ever had.