One of the most common questions that I get asked when I meet people on the scene is 'how long have you been into this kink business?' I find this an incredibly difficult, and somewhat infuriating, question. The reality is that I have always been 'into' it. So much so that I believe that it is so firmly embedded into my personality that I would describe it as part of my sexuality. Asking me how long I have been submissive is akin to asking someone how long they have been gay.
Ever since I remember, I imagined myself tied up when I couldn't sleep. Sometimes, when that didn't work, I used my Mum's silk scarves to tie my wrists, and I dozed straight off. By the time I had got to about 8, this was too simple and stopped working quite so well. My nighttime thoughts therefore trailed into realms of strict teachers forbidding me to move or being hung upside down by my ankles...all very much still in the realm of restraint. I was as young as 10 or 11 when I started to sexualise these fantasies and humiliation became a vital part of them. This often required me to be naked, sometimes drawn all over or spat on. These kinds of fantasies always saw me rubbing myself with my pyjamas, but I never remember thinking that they were sexual. I guess that because they never involved sex, I never thought of them as sexual things. They were merely a thought process that I used to relax myself to get to sleep. In fact, when I was 18 I thought that I had never really developed sexual feelings at all.
I had my first boyfriend when I was 19. He was much older, and had had contact with BDSM before. He recognised that I needed it, and we split when he realised that he couldn't give me what I needed and I would always be craving more. He suggested that I go out to a club in London. So I did. I chose a female only club, feeling more comfortable with that as a first step into the world of BDSM. There, I met a woman who I developed a play relationship with, and things progressed from there...
No comments:
Post a Comment