A Strop

Last weekend, a bit of harmless fun yet again forced me to look at myself and discover things about me that I never knew. It seems that this is happening a lot lately, and I think that it links back to my Dark Past. 

Myself, my boyfriend and two girls that we occasionally play with went out to a club last weekend. I had a fantastic time sitting in a cage and chatting and laughing until about 1am. Then my boyfriend dragged me off and fixed me up to a cross. This was fun, but I felt that he was a little distracted. I think this was for two reasons: a) I wasn't fighting back too much and that is exactly what he was in the mood for (I was just craving pain and intimacy) and b) he was distracted by the fact that he hadn't bought any nasty toys with him and that is clearly what I wanted. After a while, he disappeared for a minute or so, and came back with a leather strop that he had borrowed. Now, I love love LOVE the feeling of leather strops, tawses and belts. But they were also one of my ex's favorite things to use on me, and I haven't really used one in play since. I told my boyfriend (You know what? He needs a blog name. He is Doc) all of this before he started, and I said that I wanted him to use it on me and that I was liable to safeword. So he hit me. And it felt amazing. So he hit harder, and harder. And it still felt amazing. Eventually, I broke into tears and I couldn't take any more, so he got me down. It was at that point that it hit me that I had managed to overcome something that I had been fearing, and I had enjoyed it. I felt so amazingly proud of myself.

After about 10 minutes, I suddenly suffered from sub drop. This usually doesn'y happen to me so quickly - it is usually a 'morning after' affliction for me. I think the problem was that I was very emotional. The strop had bought up a lot of memories for me, and, although I didn't realise it at the time, my mind associates it with feelings of inadequacy and incredibly low self esteem. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by the surroundings of the club. I didn't want to talk to anyone, and when I tried to I broke into tears. By this time, Doc was playing with one of the girls who we came out with. I love this girl to bits, but all of a sudden I became insanely jealous. I was watching how much she was taking, and I felt like a whimp. Her play looked far more exciting and dynamic than mine had done - I'm sure that that wasn't the case, but that is how I saw it at the time - and I began to wonder whether he had wanted to play with me at all or whether he was just getting me out of the way. I felt physically sick watching. 

When they had finished, I told Doc that I needed to go home. But the two girls we came with were crashing at our flat, and so we needed to wait for them. At that point, I felt like I was walking around the club in an angry daze, totally lost. I was angry at Doc, and at both of the girls, and especially at my ex. I felt totally worthless, de-valued and like I wasn't wanted because of what he had done to me. I refused to speak the whole way home until I was alone with Doc. At that point, I burst into floods of tears. 

I know that I have had my confidence knocked, but I didn't realise until this happened just how badly this has affected me. I now feel awful about what happened that night, and have profusely apologised to all involved. 

I want to play with a strop again. But I want to do it in a more controlled environment, and I want it to be something that makes me feel special.